What Really Happens in the Off-Season
by Diene
Summary: Chapter 1 - First day of the off-season gives some unexpected surprises. Chapter 2- Second day involves sex, drugs, The Nesquick Bunny... and more. Chapter Three - Popples...and Chocolate...and Popples...Sweet Jesus, the Popples. Pleases R & R
1. Let's Get Frelled: In the Half-@$$ed Beg...

1 READ THIS FIRST: It'll help you understand the rest...well maybe.  
  
2  
  
3 Let's Get Frelled: IN THE HALF @$$ed BEGINNING  
  
By Diene, Iden, and Bob  
  
Dienecian@hotmail.com  
  
Spoilers: Only if you've never seen Farscape. But then why are you reading  
  
this. Fine there are some Season everything spoilers  
  
Warnings: You're IQ will probably drop from reading this fic. However, hopefully  
  
The funny will outweigh the loss of brain cells and the total wrongness of it all  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own Farscape, the characters, the English language or anything  
  
Mentioned in this fic.  
  
Summery: It's the off-season and the crew of Moya gets some surprises and earn their  
  
keep.  
  
Rating: R...just because  
  
######################################################################  
  
John stormed into the Cargo bay on Tier 6. He was the last of Moya's crew to arrive. "Thanks guys." John sounded annoyed. "Look we got some major problems on our hands and I don't know what's going on." He looked at each crewman. "So let's get started. First of all, where the frell are my keys?"  
  
The crew looked, confused. "What are you talking about, Crichton?" D'Argo asked.  
  
"My keys." John waited. "To Farscape One. My keys, where are they?"  
  
Chiana stepped forward. "We don't know what you're talking about, Crichton. Nobody took your ... keys, as you so put it."  
  
John rolled his eyes. "Ok. You guys are about as useful as..." John looked to the left. "Number two. Tell me one more time. Who the hell are they?" Three figures sat in the corner.  
  
"Don't worry, John," said Jool. "They're only the writers."  
  
The crew approached the three cautiously. The female looked up. Her long brown hair tied in a ponytail. She held a spiral notebook, a black and blue pen, and a thick book that John identified as a Dictionary/Thesaurus. She smiled. "Hey, John. Sup?" John raised an eyebrow. "Ok. Anyway, I'm Diene. Dude see, since it's the off-season, you guys need work, yeah? So due to budget cutbacks, they couldn't afford anyone...well, decent. And we college kids will work for food, so the job was easy to get. Sorry, but you're stuck with us."  
  
John nodded. "Ok so I take it you're the actual writer, considering you're holding a pen." He said pointing at Diene. She grinned in response, her brown eyes revealing the great amusement, and power, she held in the situation. "Good...and the rest of you?"  
  
Next to Diene sat a box, yes a large, cardboard, battered, box. A row of small holes -- John assumed for breathing -- lined across the middle of the box and in various places, postage stickers. "I'm Iden." John blinked, unbelieving. "Yeah. I'm in the box. And my sole purpose is to deliver plot, because my plot is superior! Yeah...so...uh, if you ever get any ideas," Iden whispered to John and D'Argo, "just let me know and we'll work on it." D'Argo and John grinned. The box did its best to do an impression of 'winkwinknudgenudge.'  
  
"What was that?" Aeryn asked, intrigued but oddly worried about that last gesture.  
  
"Uh nothing. Nothing at all." Iden said nervously.  
  
John shifted his weight and looked at the third creature holding a large pointed stick. "And that means you are..."  
  
"Bob. I hold this stick and poke Iden when his ideas or comments suck, or he refuses to give them up." Bob flashed a stupid grin.  
  
"And you're proud of that." Aeryn stated more than asked. Bob nodded idiotically, his long wavy hair in a sloppy ponytail over his shoulders.  
  
John clapped his hands and rubbed his palms together. "Right wonderful. So can you guys tell me what the frell is going on? Where are my keys?"  
  
"Dranit." The box replied.  
  
"What?" Chiana retorted, holding back a laugh. "What did you say?"  
  
"Dranit." The box restated. "A dranit took John's keys."  
  
John knelt in front of the box. "What?" The crew giggled behind his back. He spun; they stopped. John glared, then looked back to the trio. The crew broke out laughing, hysterically. "What do you mean a dranit took my keys? And what happens now?"  
  
"Well to answer those in order," the box said. "Dranit. Plot. And don't ask me; ask the pen. I come up with the ideas. She's the one stuck developing them, even if they do suck."  
  
Everyone turned to Diene. "So now what do we do?" Jool asked.  
  
"It's simple," Diene answered. "Forget about the keys for now. We have combined all of our greatest resources in order to rent special guest stars."  
  
"And considering that you're college students, I know exactly what you're assets are," John said, smirking. "Dirty laundry, Ramen noodles, and Mountain Dew."  
  
The box edged back. "He's onto us," Iden whispered.  
  
"Yeah so these guests come onto Moya," Diene continued. "And they're here to help with this, tinker with that, seduce a lover away..."  
  
"WHAT?" D'Argo shouted.  
  
"Nothing...nothing. Forget it. So anyway, only rule is that you can't kill them." The box elaborated. "As in can't. Can Not."  
  
John nodded his head and stood to look at the crew. "Ok...this is do-able. We can handle this right?"  
  
"Oh and, John," Diene interrupted. "Just to make things interesting, there's an Alien on board." Diene scribbled in her notebook. A hiss echoed through the tier. Aeryn and D'Argo drew their weapons. John's eyes widened. "That's right, buddy. Those black creatures with the second projectile mouth and the acid blood."  
  
(Author's side note: Please don't sue us Fox)  
  
The crew stared at each other in fearful silence. A beep came from the box and a bright blue light emanated through the holes. John turned to look at the box. "Hey, Iden. You bootin' up a computer!? Holy Hell...You've got a computer? Frell man."  
  
"No. no." The box retorted innocently. "It's nothing, nothing," The windows startup sound resonated. Iden cursed to himself, "SHIT. Volume! Volume! Where's the volume?!"  
  
"What do you mean boating up, John?" Zhaan asked.  
  
The crew turned, dumbfounded, and stared. "Hezmanna, Zhaan." Chiana ran to the blue priestess. "Are you really here?"  
  
Zhaan smiled. "Yes, my child. I am here, in this reality."  
  
Everyone looked at Diene. "What?" She continued writing while answering their puzzled gaze. "Yes it's Zhaan. She didn't die. She never should've died, you see. It's Zhaan. I mean come on. How could Zhaan die? She's right up there with Aeryn and Pilot as the all time best kick ass characters. When she cracks up, her eyes turn RED!! Come on. It's Zhaan. How can you kill Zhaan? I mean she's blue. And a plant. you can't kill..."  
  
"Diene." Bob interrupted. "You're ranting."  
  
"Oh." Diene said. "Sorry." She looked up from her notebook. "Before I do anything else, I want a coffee and a Desert Eagle." Diene wrote. A pistol and a large coffee materialized in front of her. She picked up the coffee and sipped. "He He He. That's what I'm talkin' about." She stroked the barrel as Aeryn knelt down, staring at the 50-caliber handgun. She picked it up, grasping the handle. Diene took the weapon from the trigger happy Sebacean and tucked it into the small of her back.  
  
(Box's side note: The author has this small obsession with Desert Eagles. Feel free to ignore the last paragraph.)  
  
(Author's rebuttal: Come on. It's a 50-caliber handgun. That's friggin' big.)  
  
"So," Chiana squeaked. "You can just materialize things from no where?"  
  
Diene smirked. "Hell yeah. I'm the writer."  
  
D'Argo crossed his arms. "Then kill the alien."  
  
"Some things are just out of my control." Diene lied through her teeth, expertly.  
  
"Now if you will all turn around," Iden said. "The special guests are sitting at a table waiting for the interview."  
  
The crew turned to see three figures sitting at a table. "Bachelor number one," Bob introduced, "is Bruce Campbell. 'Nuff said. Bachelorette number two is Trinity, totally kick ass no gravity free flyin' leather clad OOHH YEAH! And Bachelorette number three, the fifth element herself, Leelu."  
  
(Author's side note: Once again to the respective owners, please don't sue us.)  
  
A golf clap resounded in the cargo bay. Bruce pulled the microphone to his mouth. "Hello. I am Bruce Campbell." He looked at the beings before him. His eyes roamed the room shifting between individuals. First D'Argo, then Stark, to Jool, to Aeryn ... his eyes stopped. He looked her up and down, an easy smile forming on his face. John's eyes flared with jealousy. Bruce looked at John, holding his stare. He leaned back in the chair, put his feet on the table, and crossed his arms. "Well."  
  
John crossed his arms and straightened his body in an attempt to look intimidating. "Well."  
  
"Well." Bruce retorted a little louder.  
  
"Well." John said even louder.  
  
"Well."  
  
"Well!"  
  
"WELL!!"  
  
"Hey, hey, HEY!!" Diene interrupted. "What the hell is going on?"  
  
Bruce grinned. "Improvisation."  
  
"You call that improv." Diene rolled her eyes. "Jeez do I have to do everything?"  
  
"Diene, you are the writer." Iden said.  
  
"The box and Bob could do better than that," She continued, ignoring the box's last comment. "Not much, but better than that. Sorry Iden. But that's why I'm the writer." She paused drinking her coffee. "And you're in the box."  
  
"You need me DAMN IT!" The box hopped towards Diene, a corner of the box pointed accusingly at her, "I'm the plot!"  
  
Diene's eyes avoided the box. "We don't need plot." She retorted sipping her coffee, stuffing away the old memories of the time before plot.  
  
"Yes. You do." Iden said. "Without plot this would be just like every other show. Pointless Dialogue and Meaningless Sex. It would be just like Lexx!"  
  
(Author's Note: Sincere apologies to all Lexx fans...but you know we're right.)  
  
Bruce stood up. "And this would be bad because..."  
  
"Because there's no connection. It's random words thrown together with no purpose," Iden replied bitterly. "Anyway Diene, don't you remember what happened last time you wrote with no plot?"  
  
Diene growled.  
  
"Bob, plug me in."  
  
Bob picked up an external wire and dragged it to the clamshell. He plugged it in.  
  
John's jaw dropped. "But... the technology... it's not the ... Never mind. I don't want to know."  
  
The clamshell lit up.  
  
And like an old silent movie the count down began.  
  
Three...  
  
Two...  
  
One...  
  
Diene sat at a circular table with Bob and some guy in a blue jacket. She wrote:  
  
D'Argo and John loaded up the transport pod. The planet had been rainy and dreary the entire trip down and they were eager to return to Moya. Aeryn and Chiana ran through the sunshine. They stopped at the transport and nodded to the males. They all got in and sat down. The pod short circuited and it wouldn't lift off. So the crew returned to Moya to fix it and ate ise gream. Then John and Aeryn went to the Terrace while D'Argo and Chiana went to the maintenance bay. They played Jacks for arns.  
  
The clamshell flashed and the picture faded. "Ok?" Iden said. "You need plot."  
  
"Well," John said slyly. "We really don't need it." He looked at Aeryn as D'Argo eyed Chiana. The females returned different looks.  
  
"ANYWAY," Diene interrupted. "Let's just get on with this a'ight."  
  
The crew returned its' attention to the guests. "I am Trinity."  
  
Aeryn glared. 'She's wearing my outfit,' she thought. 'And look at how John and D'Argo are oogling at her. Why I oughta.'  
  
Her thoughts were cut short when a different voice spoke. "Leelu." The red head pointed to herself.  
  
"Yeah." Chiana said sarcastically. "We caught that part. What else?"  
  
Leelu cocked her head and held up a card, "Mul -- ti -- pass."  
  
Chiana put her hands on her hips. "Uh huh." She looked at Jool and the two shrugged.  
  
John pointed to Bruce. "Ok. So what makes you so cocky?"  
  
Bruce leaned back again and put his hands behind his head. "I'm just Bruce. And I AM the greatest B movie actor of all time."  
  
D'Argo laughed and hit John on the back, knocking him to the floor. "HA! So John, all you humans are the same aren't you?"  
  
"I resent that, D," John said, winded. He looked at the crew. "I'm not that full of myself." The females of the crew just nodded quietly, avoiding eye contact. "Well I'm not."  
  
"So Trinity, what is it that you do?" Aeryn asked.  
  
Trinity stood, the leather crunching with her movement. She pulled off her glasses, her steel gray eyes almost mad. "I am the freedom fighter trying to rescue you all. The Matrix is all around you. And I'm trying to save you weaker minded individuals who can't accept the true reality to see what everything really is. It's all around you. Nothing is real. This ship is not really here. We are not really here. NOTHING IS REALLY HERE."  
  
Aeryn leaned into her hip, hooking her thumbs into the waist of her leather pants. "Uh huh." She looked at Leelu. "So, multipass you say."  
  
Leelu smiled. "Multipass."  
  
John pursed his lips then clicked his tongue. "Riiiight." He looked at the box. "So...my keys." Everyone looked to the box. Nothing. "Iden?" John called.  
  
A clicking sound came from the box. "God damn D.O.T spell! Work! Son of a bitch! Zone! Zone! Train coming through!"  
  
"BOX!!!" The crew screamed.  
  
"What?" Iden answered. "Always interrupting me while I'm playing EverQuest. My uber gnome is almost level fifty damn it! Anyway, I just give ideas and spew out specifics on some parts. I'm not doing everything for you."  
  
(Author's Note: EverQuest is addictive, please keep small children and furry animals away from it.)  
  
The crew looked at each other, some nodded, others quirking their eyebrows. They stepped into the corridor. "Ok, Kick ass guy characters this way." John said pointing down different hallways. "Kick ass girl characters that way."  
  
"Hot chick characters," Bruce interrupted. "that way. And completely useless characters can help that Bob fellow hold the stick. We meet back here in an hour."  
  
"Arn." John corrected.  
  
Bruce looked at John. "Hour."  
  
"Arn."  
  
"Hour!"  
  
"Arn!!"  
  
"HOUR!!!"  
  
"ARN!!!!"  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY!" Startled, the crew jumped to see Diene standing hunched in the doorway gripping her pen, her fist white with tension. "IT DOESN'T MATTER. SAME THING!" She glared at John then Bruce. "Just GO." She commanded and stormed back into the bay  
  
The groups split. Aeryn snickered, shaking her head to herself. "Like I said before... Oh the testosterone."  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
John, Bruce, and D'Argo stalked down the corridor on Moya's Third Tier. A hiss echoed through the hall as something scrambled in the tube over their heads. John tapped his COM. "Hey, guys. Uh this thing is one frelling nasty critter so keep your guard up and K.O.S."  
  
"What?" A communal question resounded over the COMs.  
  
"Kill On Sight," John clarified.  
  
Bruce snickered. "So John, when did you get all Marine Commando?"  
  
"Since our frelling writers decided to make this the next installment of the Alien movies."  
  
(Box's Note: cryingFor the love of God, please don't sue us Fox. Jesus Christ, we're poor as it is.)  
  
D'Argo drew his Qualta Blade. "John, we can't kill that thing on Moya. The acid will damage her greatly." Bruce pulled out his sawed-off twelve- gauge shotgun. "What the Hezmanna is that?"  
  
Bruce chuckled. "This...is my BOOMSTICK!"  
  
"We don't need the S-Smart speech, K." John interrupted.  
  
(Collective Comment: If you've never seen the Evil Dead movies or Army of Darkness, it's your own goddamn fault. Go watch them!)  
  
Bruce rested the barrel of the gun against his shoulder. "I don't care who's what with this ship. But if that SOB comes after me, he's going down."  
  
"So who or what exactly are you?" D'Argo roughly asked.  
  
"I am the Greatest Action hero of all time." Bruce smugly answered.  
  
"Funny I thought that was Batman." John commented under his breath.  
  
Bruce glared at John. "So bow down before me and worship me. For on this day, you will be first hand witnesses to the GREATNESS that is Bruce." He ran down the hall, making a dramatic exit.  
  
D'Argo's eyes shifted from Bruce's retreating form to John. "Uh huh. I think we would have been better off with that Leelu."  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
Trinity, Aeryn, and Zhaan inspected the fourth tier. Zhaan was intensely interested in the alternate reality this Trinity spoke of. The tension between Trinity and Aeryn was bluntly obvious. Zhaan tried to calm (or prevent an all out war is better) by walking between the two. "What is this Matrix you speak of?"  
  
Trinity looked at Zhaan. "Everything you know, everything you feel, is not real. It's the Matrix, created so you don't rebel...against them."  
  
"Shut Up!" Aeryn commanded. "I can't hear this creature if you two yotzs keep yapping."  
  
A hiss. The women stopped, drew their weapons and stood alert. John's voice came over the COMs. "Hey guys. Uh this thing is one frelling nasty critter so keep your guard up and K.O.S."  
  
"What?" Aeryn asked.  
  
"Kill On Sight." The COM went dead.  
  
Aeryn motioned for Trinity and Zhaan to wait while she scouted ahead. She stalked Fifty metras then turned and signaled for the two to catch up. Zhaan ran and stood by Aeryn's side. "Hold on." Trinity called softly. "My boot just unlaced." Trinity ran forward in 'Matrix slow- mo'. She ran up the wall and flipped to the ground. Before landing, she froze in the air. She tied her shoe (all in slow motion).  
  
Aeryn leaned into her hip, licked her lips, then rolled her eyes. Trinity landed on the ground in front of Aeryn. Aeryn closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead with her hand. She dropped her arm and sighed. "You finished."  
  
(Bob's note: We have nothing against the Matrix, with the exception of "Whoa" and any other Keanu dialogue.)  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
Chiana, Jool, and Leelu inspected the Second Tier. The three crept down the hall. Leelu pointed at a DRD that whizzed past. "Leelu." She said alarmed.  
  
"Don't worry." Chiana said. "It won't hurt you."  
  
"We're gonna die. We're gonna die. We're gonna die." Jool repeated and bumped into Chiana.  
  
Chiana spun. "Watch it."  
  
Jool crossed her arms. "Frell. I'm sorry."  
  
Chiana cocked her head and stepped closer to Jool. "You've been doing that a lot lately. Getting in the way."  
  
"Shut up you little Trelk." Jool's hair turned bright red.  
  
"Who are you calling a trelk?" Chiana's eyes fired. "What is that saying John uses. Pot calling the kennel black."  
  
Jool clenched her teeth. "It's kettle you idiotic Nebari.  
  
The two females stepped toe to toe. A hiss. All eyes widened, the recent dispute temporarily forgotten. The COM sprung to life, "Hey guys. Uh this thing is one frelling nasty critter so keep your guard up and K.O.S."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Kill on Sight." The hall fell silent.  
  
Jool shifted nervously. "Chiana...this is bad. Very bad. Not good. We have to go NOWbacktotheCargoBay. where that thing won't get us. Come on...leave now."  
  
Chiana punched Jool in the jaw. "Shut Up! We're not leaving yet. We're going to find the others. So shut your mouth and let's go."  
  
"Multipass."  
  
The two looked at Leelu. Chiana walked down the hall followed by Jool and Leelu.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
John and D'Argo checked every room on their slow stalk down the hall. Bruce walked behind. "And then..." he continued, "I took my chainsaw and cut her head in half. Her brains spewed all over the floor and my God the blood. It was like a river. I mean the chainsaw made everything sloppy so little pieces of flesh and skull were flying everywhere. The grey stuff 'specially, I mean Jesus. You'd think there was an infinite amount of it. And then..."  
  
"Bruce." John interrupted. He swallowed hard. "Shut up."  
  
"What?"  
  
"SHUT UP!!" D'Argo and John shouted.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
Aeryn took point as her trio cautiously walked down the corridor. "Don't believe in it." Trinity whispered. "If you believe it doesn't exist, then it can't harm you."  
  
"I'll tell you what," Aeryn said. "You do that...and I'll kill it."  
  
"Don't you understand?" Trinity explained. "You don't have to kill it. It's not real. It's a part of the Matrix. It can only hurt you if you think it can. There is no alien. It..."  
  
"Shut up." Aeryn interrupted.  
  
"But."  
  
"SHUT UP!!" Zhaan and Aeryn yelled.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
Iden, Bob, Diene, Stark, and Rygel sat in a circle. "Ok. What do we think now?" Diene asked, holding the notebook at arms length to examine it like an artist would his painting.  
  
"Why don't you have them run into each other somewhere?" Bob said.  
  
"All right. Good idea." Diene scribbled: The crew of Moya met at an insurrection.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
The three groups met where five of Moya's corridors connect. Twenty men dressed in rags and holding 18th century earth weapons stood at the junction. "REVELUCION!!" They screamed in thick French accents and raised their guns into the air.  
  
"Holy Shit!" John cursed. "It's the French Revolution!" The French charged. "DIENE!"  
  
"AHHHHHH. Intersection. IN - TER - SEC - TION." Diene quickly crossed out 'insurrection' and wrote 'intersection.'  
  
The intruders disintegrated. Every jaw dropped. "You killed the French." Bruce said.  
  
"Wasn't that hard." Diene retorted.  
  
(Author's note: We really don't mean to make fun of the French, it's just... I mean... it happens.)  
  
The sound of nails scratching rang through the corridor. The crew turned and quickly huddled into a circle, their backs together for protection. "Uh, John." Chiana said. "Any ideas?"  
  
"Just give me a minute." John said.  
  
"I got it." Bruce replied. "John, D'Argo and Blue here crawl through the ducts and flush this thing out. Trinity and Jool stay on the tier but follow John. Chiana and Leelu follow Blue. And Aeryn and I will follow D'Argo." He winked at the Sebacean on his right. Aeryn cocked an eyebrow in his general direction.  
  
"Hell no!" John injected. "I am not leaving that ... him with Aeryn."  
  
"You got a better idea?" said Jool.  
  
"Well," John thought hard for a different plan. "Bruce and I switch places."  
  
Zhaan stood next to John, placing a hand on his shoulder. "But he does not know the ship like you do."  
  
Bruce chuckled. "Don't worry, Johnny. I'll take good care of her." Bruce put his arm around Aeryn and rested his hand on her right shoulder. Aeryn squinted, her eyes angered slits, as she clenched her teeth. She grabbed his hand with her left and twisted. "AGHHH!" Bruce quickly pulled away, noticing the immediate swelling around his wrist. It hung limply. "I never knew it could bend that way."  
  
D'Argo nudged John. "Hey. I think she could handle herself."  
  
John grinned. "Yeah." He turned to face the crew. "All right. Let's go and get this over with." He looked towards Aeryn. "So...do I get a good luck kiss?" A sly, not so innocent look on his face.  
  
"Well," responded Bruce. "You're not really my type but."  
  
"NO!" John interrupted. "Not you Not you. NOT YOU!" John pointed at Aeryn. "Her."  
  
"John," D'Argo said crossing his arms impatiently over his chest. "We don't have time for this."  
  
John waved his hand towards D'Argo. "There's always time for one last kiss. Especially - considering my luck - this thing will probably rip me to shreds."  
  
Aeryn walked to John and they stood face to face. She looked up and seductively ran her fingers over his abdomen up his chest and around his neck to play with his ear. Aeryn grinned as his eyes fluttered. "We can't have that now can we." John grumbled deep in his throat as his heart raced. Aeryn slowly raised her lips to his and stopped just before touching them. "So you come back alive," she whispered. She touched the tip of her tongue to his upper lip then slowly pulled away. She flashed a seductive grin and walked away followed by the rest of the crew.  
  
"Aeryn, you can't leave me hangin' like this," John called after her his frustration noticeable in body language and the teeter in his breath.  
  
"Later, John," Aeryn called back as she walked around a corner.  
  
John tapped his COM. "DIENE." He called walking in the same direction.  
  
"Yeulzzzz?" Diene answered innocently, reminding John of a Loony Tunes cartoon.  
  
"STOP TOYING WITH ME, WOMAN."  
  
"You think that's toying," Diene laughed. "Just wait till you see what I got up my sleeve for later."  
  
"Come on. That was so wrong." John said.  
  
"No, that wasn't wrong." Diene replied. "Wrong would have been her kissing you until you got ... well you know ... and then have her leave. Now aren't you glad I didn't have her do that?"  
  
"Hey box," John said. "You're a guy, right? Couldn't you stop her? I mean, you know where I'm coming from. You know what this does to a guy. Well, I think you do." No answer. "BOX!!"  
  
"ARGH! They're everywhere!" Gunshots are heard from inside the box, "Aw Jesus! Die S'pht, die!"  
  
Silence as the box is given 'a look.'  
  
"Sorry... got distracted by Marathon again..." the ashamed reply.  
  
(Author's Note: Marathon is also an addictive game... if you're Iden or if you like the number seven.)  
  
The crew met on Tier six where a grate had been ripped from the tube. "Hey uh, guys," John said, anxiously. "I don't really think this crawling through the ducts thing is a good idea."  
  
"Why not?" Bruce inquired. "It's a flawless plan."  
  
D'Argo shook his head. "Uh...no."  
  
Leelu inched towards the open hole and looked up. "Multipass." She pointed.  
  
"What?" Jool asked frightened.  
  
"MULTIPASS."  
  
A black creature dropped to the ground. It stood straight stretching its arms and hissed. Leelu fell back and scurried away. Bruce opened fire. "NO!" John pushed the weapon up; the slug whizzed past Jool's head. She screamed a high pitch shrill. The alien hissed, attached to the ceiling and ran down a corridor. "What the FRELL are you doing?"  
  
"What does it LOOK like I'm doing? Bobbing for Apples?" Bruce yelled. "I'm trying to kill that alien bastard."  
  
"Not on THIS ship." John said. "She's frelling alive. The blood will kill her. I thought I TOLD you that already."  
  
Bruce slung the shotgun over his shoulder. "Yeah and I told you I was going to kill it."  
  
Aeryn stepped between the two, annoyed and angered (as usual). "Look you two have been in a pissing contest from the start. Let's handle this first. Then later you two can whip it out and measure up or whatever it is you do, Ok?"  
  
Chiana looked at John. "So, blue eyes, any more bright ideas."  
  
"We should return to the Cargo Bay before this madness overwhelms us." Zhaan said. Everyone nodded.  
  
PART TWO  
  
The crew entered the Cargo bay in the middle of a heated argument. Diene's notebook lay on the floor, the last words: A black creature dropped to the ground. "I don't care WHAT you say." Diene pointed at the box. "Rocky could kick Bullwinkle's ass."  
  
The box hopped closer and pointed with its right top corner. "No way. Bullwinkle is the all time best character." Iden said, confrontational.  
  
Bob stepped in, completing the triangle. "You're both dead wrong. Natasha is the best character." He waved his stick angrily at the others.  
  
"You're only saying that because she's the only chick on the show," Iden accused.  
  
"No I'm not," Bob answered. "Her character history is the deepest story and of the greatest relevance to the plot."  
  
"NO IT'S NOT." Diene yelled. "Her ENTIRE story revolves around catching Rocky and Bullwinkle. That's not earth-shattering!"  
  
(Bob Side Note: The author does actually get this worked up about stuff like this)  
  
"Yeah," Bob forcefully stated. "But come on. She's NATASHA."  
  
Diene growled and swatted at Bob. "Jeez, you get dumber by the minute. I mean, Rocky is so the brains of the operation. Bullwinkle just frells stuff up."  
  
"Give him some credit, damn it." Iden injected. "He might frell stuff up, but he ends up fixing it and everything generally works out in the end."  
  
Bob pointed at the box. "So you're saying that Bullwinkle is JOHN!"  
  
"EXACTLY!!!" Iden hollered.  
  
"Hey!" yelled John. The trio stopped and looked at the approaching mob. The mob walked towards the writers carrying torches and pitchforks.  
  
"Wait." Diene stopped and paused, glancing over her choice of words. "That's not quite what I meant...hmmm..." she scratched out the last sentence and tried again:  
  
The trio stopped and looked at the approaching gang. The gang walked towards them wearing red tank tops, black leather pants, carrying bats and switchblades.  
  
"Hang on." Diene bit the cap of her pen. "That's really not what I meant." She scratched the previous sentence and tried for a third time:  
  
The trio stopped and looked at the approaching group. The crew walked towards them. "Yup. Group. Can't go wrong with, group." Diene said.  
  
Rygel hovered to John. "Thank God you're here. They've been at it for over half an arn."  
  
Bruce clenched his teeth. "You stopped writing for an argument about carTOONS!"  
  
"It was of great importance." Bob explained. His tone reminded John of his college Microeconomics professor, monotone and boring. "Bullwinkle and Rocky have a devastating effect on the socioeconomic world and politics. It is logical to say that Rocky represents the aristocrats and intelligence agencies of our Earth, while Bullwinkle is the common man executing the theories of these aristocrats. In essence, they are separate entities but unable to exist without the other. That is why Natasha kicks ass. She is totally independent of the two."  
  
Bruce and John cocked their eyebrows. The others looked around at each other. Aeryn clicked her tongue. "Ok. You lost me after great importance."  
  
Bruce ran his hands through his hair. "Do you realize what you've DONE?" His eyes widened. "I can't watch that show now! You've ruined it!"  
  
Diene rolled her eyes and picked up her notebook. "Riiight. So anyway. What's up?"  
  
"We've got to kill this alien now." D'Argo said.  
  
Chiana nodded. "Yeah. Let's get this frelling thing off Moya."  
  
"Multipass."  
  
"Not now, Leelu." Trinity chided.  
  
"Multipass... MULTIPASS!"  
  
The crew turned to see the black alien run past the doors. "No, Leelu." Bob said. "That is not a multipass. That is a silicon-based life form. Not Carbon based like you and I, but."  
  
"SHUT UP, BOB!" a communal command echoed through the bay.  
  
(Author's note: Yes. Bob is really filled with this much useless information.)  
  
"Ok." John looked at Diene. "Where do we go from here?"  
  
Trinity shoved John. "Why don't you people friggin' listen to me?"  
  
"Join the frelling club." Rygel grumbled. "Nobody ever frelling listens to me."  
  
"I'm telling you." Trinity continued, "This whole thing isn't real. Discipline your minds to realize the deception. It's the matrix. Break free from the prison, you simple minded sheep."  
  
John eyed D'Argo and nodded; the two slowly backed away. "Three. Two. One."  
  
Aeryn's eyes fired. "Who the frell are you to call us simple minded, you leather clad black haired bi..." Aeryn looked down at herself. "Oh." She pointed at Trinity. "I mean you...uh...Diene, a little help here."  
  
"You toad kissing crack-headed crazy bitch." Diene said matter-of-factly.  
  
Aeryn looked at Diene. "Good one." She stood toe to toe with Trinity. "You tood kissing crick-eted crazy bitch."  
  
Diene shrugged. "Close enough."  
  
"You are all weak," Trinity said. "You mindless fools."  
  
Aeryn shifted her weight and glared. John nudged Bruce. "Hey. I got $50 on Aeryn."  
  
"You're on." Bruce accepted. The two shook hands.  
  
Aeryn pounced, knocking Trinity to the floor. The human countered and flipped Aeryn off and to the ground. Both jumped up and charged in a frenzy of punches, kicks, and blocks. Trinity jabbed, but Aeryn ducked and brought her down with a sweep.  
  
John and D'Argo chuckled. "Get ready to pay up." John said.  
  
Bruce crossed his arms. "We'll see about that."  
  
Trinity crouched. An uppercut knocked Aeryn hard onto the ground. Aeryn knelt, pulled out her pulse pistol and shot. The pulse instantly proceeded in slow motion. Trinity slowly bent backwards, parallel to the ground but her feet still planted, attempting to dodge the pulse. Aeryn stood and crossed her arms. The pulse continued at a lagging pace. She rolled her eyes and tapped her foot. The pulse flew over Trinity's chest and hit the wall. Aeryn exhaled impatiently as Trinity slowly stood straight again.  
  
Chiana and Jool looked at Diene to see a sly grin stretch across her face. "You know what. Let's make this a little more interesting." She pulled a TV remote out of her Jean's pocket. She pointed at Aeryn and Trinity and pushed PAUSE. The two females froze. Everyone turned to look at Diene. "What?"  
  
Bob twirled the stick between his fingers. "Diene, whacha doin'?"  
  
"I'm just having some fun." Diene snickered to herself. "Now let's see." She tapped the pen against her chin.  
  
"Hey, crew. You might want to back up." Iden forewarned. The crew did so.  
  
"Ok...let's see." Diene wrote changing the situation.  
  
A familiar scream echoed through the bay. "MORTAL KOMBAT!!" The games fight music played through the box. All but the two opponents looked around the room at the music, but shrugged and waited for the inevitable battle.  
  
Diene continued to write. The scene in front changed to Shao Khan's Arena. "Hmmm. Now which characters do I make who?" Diene paused. "HA!" She scribbled. A puff of smoke engulfed Trinity. The lights flashed and the smoke cleared. Trinity wore the blue costume and mask of Kitana. More scribbling. Another ball of smoke swallowed Aeryn. The lights flashed; the smoke cleared. Aeryn stood wearing the green costume and mask of Jade. "Hee Hee Hee. And the last touches."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Bruce yelled.  
  
Iden exhaled, annoyed. "She pixilated them, didn't she?"  
  
John nodded. "Yup."  
  
Diene shrugged. "What?" She looked at the crew. "So I made them 2-D." Everyone looked at her, shaking their heads disappointingly. "It's the game. I can't help it."  
  
"All right." John commented. "Get on with it."  
  
"Right." Diene pointed the remote and pushed play.  
  
3.1 "FIGHT"  
  
The two women tried to circle each other. "What the FRELL!" Aeryn shouted. "I can't frelling circle."  
  
"Oh...yeah." Diene explained. "You can only move forward, back and jump."  
  
"You're kidding me, right?"  
  
"Nope." Diene chuckled to herself.  
  
Trinity and Aeryn looked at each other and shrugged. They inched towards each other. Aeryn high punched, and hit Trinity in the face. Blood gushed, but from no wound. Trinity inched forward and high punched. Blood gushed from Aeryn's face; once again, no wound. The two continued exchanging punches and kicks, low and high. Blood flowing everywhere and miraculously disappearing.  
  
"GO FOR THE THROAT." John yelled.  
  
"I'M TRYING." Aeryn answered.  
  
The two continued. "Hey, Aeryn." Diene called. "Back Forward High Kick. Just do it. Trust me. It's a special." Aeryn inched back forward then high kicked. Her staff flashed out and slashed up knocking Trinity to the ground.  
  
"All that just to hit her with a stick!" Bruce exclaimed.  
  
"Meh." Iden replied.  
  
Trinity executed a combo. Knee, knee, low kick, roundhouse. Aeryn stood dazed and rocking back and forth.  
  
3.2 "FINISH HER!"  
  
Trinity whipped out her fan and swiped at her opponent's neck. Aeryn's head fell to the floor. Her body collapsed at the knees then forward onto the ground, all returning to 3-D and in her previous attire.  
  
3.3 "FATALITY"  
  
"Hey," Bob pointed out. "She knocked the 2-D right out of her."  
  
John's eyes bulged. He fell to the ground on his knees. "AERYN!"  
  
Bruce pushed past John. "Don't worry. I got this." He snagged Aeryn's head and held it up. "Well. Since you guys don't have duct tape...it looks like I have to do this the old fashion way." He placed the head next to the body.  
  
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" D'Argo asked.  
  
"Of course I do." Bruce answered. "Clatto...Verata...Nn(coughcough)."  
  
A flash of light blinded the crew. Vision slowly returned and Aeryn lay on the floor, completely attached and alive.  
  
(Bob's Note: Wow, It actually worked this time!)  
  
John jumped to his feet and ran to Aeryn's side as she slowly sat up, rubbing her neck. She grabbed his hand and pulled herself up. She stood, shaky and dizzy, leaning on John for support.  
  
Bruce stood straight and cocky as ever. "Yes. Yes, I know. I'm the man."  
  
John looked at Bruce, a grin stretching from ear to ear. "Thanks, Bruce."  
  
Bruce held up his hands. "I know. I know." He turned to Diene. "So bonus points. What do I get?"  
  
Diene smiled. "Ok." She wrote. A grey box materialized in Bruce's hand with a large red button in the center. "Now that large red button has a surprise in store. It only works once so use it wisely."  
  
Bruce looked at Diene. "Can't I get something, you know, good?"  
  
"Don't worry, Bruce," Diene reassured. "This will be good. Or I can always give you that necklace from the Evil..."  
  
"NO." Bruce interrupted. "No, no. The box is fine." Bruce smiled and Diene turned her attention back to her writing. Bruce walked to Bob and gave him the box. "Here. Now whatever you do, don't push this button. Ok?" Bob nodded and put his finger over the button then pulled it back. Over...back...over...back...over...  
  
"BOB!!!!!" Iden yelled.  
  
"Hey." Trinity called. "Can somebody change me back? I'm still 2-D."  
  
Diene pointed at Trinity. "No. You stay like that and think about what you did."  
  
"But it was you who..." Trinity's voice was cut short when a zipper replaced her mouth.  
  
Diene chuckled to herself. "All right. Chill." She scratched something out in her notebook and Trinity gained the third dimension, depth.  
  
John looked at Aeryn, smiled, and brushed a loose strand of hair away from her face. "How you feelin', Baby?"  
  
Aeryn winced slightly and rubbed the back of her neck. "Not bad, considering. But my neck is killing me."  
  
John nuzzled into her hair. "I can help." John whispered. "I got magic fingers...how about a massage?"  
  
Aeryn purred as he wrapped his arm tightly around her.  
  
"Hey, Diene." Iden called. "What are you doing?"  
  
Diene grinned. "Romantic interlude."  
  
"Look," Iden responded. "I'm just as into the make out thing as the next guy, but NOW?! I mean come on, John. She just died and you're trying to get laid! Jeez, at least let her recharge first! And Diene, I am SOOOO disappointed in you. You of all people hated it when during the middle of crisis situations the characters stopped for romantic interludes. Look at The Mummy Returns. I mean you flipped out over that."  
  
"Fine." Diene said, resigning. "I get your point."  
  
"Yeah. So do I." John said angered. "But that still ain't gonna stop me. STICK!!!" John snatched the stick from Bob and poked the box, hard and repeatedly.  
  
A built female figure jumped from a crate and landed on Leelu, crushing her.  
  
"By the goddess," cried Zhaan. "You've killed her."  
  
"It doesn't matter. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GUST STAR!" Ripley ranted. "She's not a kick ass character, I am. I mean come on. I have a cult following. She has red hair! Jesus, she's not even capable of dialogue. All she says is 'multipass, multipass'. At least I can carry on a legitimate conversation. My God, how could you ..."  
  
"HEY!" Diene interrupted. "You killed her. Do you have any idea how much money you just cost us?" She threw the notebook into the air, stood, and paced. "Great now we have less then we had before. We have less then nothing. We are poorer than poor. We are not only in debt we are in frelling debt. Son of a damn piece of rotting frelling bitch assed dren eating god damn..."  
  
"Diene," Bob interrupted.  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"You're ranting, again."  
  
Diene clenched her teeth and picked up her notebook. She continued mumbling under her breath as she continued to write.  
  
The Alien dropped from the ceiling. Everyone drew their weapons and aimed at the Alien's head. "Whoa! Whoa! WHOOOOAAA!," the Alien said. "Why are you people always trying to KILL me? You never even gave me a chance. You started shooting at me before and all I wanted was a hug. All I wanted to do was go to New York and be in the revival of Oklahoma on Broadway. Not all us aliens are out to kill and eat brains and destroy stuff." Everyone lowered their weapons, stunned but skeptical. "I'm not going to do anything to you or eat you. Hell, I never did. I'm a VEGAN for crying out loud!"  
  
Riply looked, unconvinced. "What?"  
  
"God damn it! Nothing ever goes right." Diene hollered. "The union promised me a man-eating alien."  
  
"It was supposed to be," the Alien explained. "But he was under contract for an Avon commercial. I tried I really did. I even nibbled on that big bug in the central room thing. I don't know...it just didn't do it for me."  
  
Chiana tapped John on the shoulder. "Uh...Where's Zhaan?"  
  
Everyone looked around the room then back to the Alien. "What. I couldn't help it. She was a giant walking vegetable. And she was blue. I NEVER had a blue vegetable before."  
  
A loud siren resonated through the bay. Everyone looked at Bob who had his finger guiltily on the red button. Diene smirked and nudged the box.  
  
A very familiar song played. John looked around, curious. "That sounds like a marching band." That instant, sixty midgets on trombones, trumpets, flutes, and all other band instruments burst into the bay. "My God." John's head dropped into his hand.  
  
The Notre Dame fight song resounded loud. The band marched to Bruce and circled him. He tried to draw his weapon but couldn't. He looked at Diene who simply waved her pen. "SORRY BRUCE," She yelled over the noise. "CAN'T DO THAT!!" The smallest midget brought up the rear, struggling with a bass drum on his back. He circled Bruce, the heavy drum knocking the human off his feet and to the ground. He propped himself up onto one elbow, rubbing his forehead. The drummer put down his instrument, pulled out a large stamp and marked Bruce's forehead: Thank You! He then hung a sign around Bruce's neck: I'm # 1! The midget grudgingly pulled the drum out of the bay, following the rest of the band.  
  
Bob nodded. "Cooooooool."  
  
(Author's Note: We have absolutely nothing against little people, marching bands, or the Notre Dame fight song. It's just funny to combine them all.)  
  
Silence filled the bay. John stood behind Aeryn, pulling her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her waist. She entwined their fingers as he rested his chin on her shoulder. "Thanks Again, Bruce." John said.  
  
The midgets charged back into the bay and encircled Bob. He looked, dumbfounded at the rest of the crew. The lead midget, in his marching band uniform and holding his baton, stepped nose to nose with Bob. The midget grinned. "Ahhhhh!!!!!" At the cue, the midgets, all sixty, pounced on Bob. A huge mound of bodies formed as the midgets communally mauled Bob. "Good!" At the command, the midgets all charged back out of the bay. The leader lagged behind and when the others left, whacked Bob upside the head with his baton. He ran out after them leaving Bob in a bruised mess on the floor.  
  
Bob rubbed his head then stood up, patting his pockets. "My wallet...it's. DAMN IT! And," Bob shifted his weight. "DIENE!!!! My underwear. You made underwear MIDGETS! What the frell is WRONG WITH YOU!!" Bob's patience diminished. "It's supposed to be gnomes, not midgets, GNOMES!!!!"  
  
"Gnomes? Where? Gnooooommmmmes." Said Iden as he hopped around the bay looking for the rare, elusive, and endangered gnomes.  
  
(Author's Note: Heh Heh. Iden had a small obsession with gnomes. Why? Well...we really don't know. I mean they're gnomes.)  
  
Silence.  
  
Then, the bay filled with hysterical laughter.  
  
"ALL RIGHT." The box screamed. "Everyone calm down. We still have a story line to finish." The crew nodded. The box turned to Diene. "Ok listen. Here's what you should do. Slowly and subtly bring in the keys and the Dranit."  
  
"Right." Diene answered. She paused for thought then wrote. The keys fell from the ceiling, bounced off the box and landed at John's feet. John smiled and picked up the keys.  
  
"Diene, what was that?" the box asked, not believing what just happened.  
  
Diene grinned. "Yeah. Like you said, 'Subtle'".  
  
The box grumbled. "Yeah subtle. LIKE A SHOTGUN BLAST TO THE FACE!" The box exhaled. "I said slow and subtle because we still have TWO PAGE LEFT."  
  
"Hey, Diene." John said slyly but with a stupid grin on his face. He walked towards the writers, Aeryn now capable of standing on her own. "I got a great idea. We gather all the chicks together, right. Then they gather in the showers, right. And we get peep holes." D'Argo and Bruce stood behind John nodding like fools. "And then..." John bent down to whisper in Diene's ear. "Pssp, pssp pssp."  
  
John pulled back and Diene shook her head. "Sorry, John. They can't bend that way."  
  
John tried again. "What about pssp pssp pssp."  
  
"Nope can't bend that way either."  
  
John looked at Bruce and shrugged. Bruce took the lead and confronted the writer. "Well if you dislocate..."  
  
"NO." Diene said forcefully. "I am not writing that. I am NOT WRITING THAT!! My God, is it not bad enough that I killed and tortured these women you want me to do THAT." All males nodded foolishly. "Why am I not surprised?" she said under her breath shaking her head.  
  
"Diene," Aeryn asked skeptically. "What do they want?"  
  
The writer looked at Aeryn. "Nothing. Nothing, don't worry about it."  
  
"Compromise." The box injected. "Since you ended the story in such a sucky way, we have to compromise." Diene reluctantly nodded. "Good. Now what about mud wresting." Diene's eyes flared. "With their clothes on," Iden reassured.  
  
"At least some sort of clothes," Bruce mumbled.  
  
"Fine." Diene agreed. "But it is the guests stars that wrestle and we have a lottery to see which one of the Farscape females wrestles, OK?"  
  
"The males consulted mumbling. "One, Two, Three. Break."  
  
John approached Diene. "Agreed."  
  
Diene stood and exited the bay, motioning for the others to follow. "Come on, we're going to one of the spare cargo bays on Tier eight." The males ran ahead, excited and enthusiastic about the upcoming entertainment. The box hopped behind. "Hey Guys! Wait Up!"  
  
The males ran into the cargo bay to a coliseum-like setting. Each chose their seat where they assumed they could attain the best view. Diene walked in and sat in a far corner, continuing to write. A hat sat next to her filled half way with pieces of paper. Ripley and Trinity walked through the doors wearing tight shorts and a tank top. The two stepped into the mud filled hole in the center.  
  
"Come on, Diene." Bruce called. "Don't leave us hangin' like this. Send out Chiana or Jool or Aeryn. Just bring them all out damn it."  
  
Diene stood and slowly walked to the center bay in front of the mud filled center. "I would like to introduce our Farscape competitor." She paused looking over the crowd. "STAANZ."  
  
The "female" that helped D'Argo rescue Aeryn and John from the Flax walked through the door and entered the ring. Jaws dropped. D'Argo shook his head hard and hissed. "That is SOOOOO not cool." Bruce accused.  
  
Diene snickered quietly to herself as Chiana, Jool, and Aeryn strolled in and sat at the top of the bleachers. Diene waved at the crowd. "Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week."  
  
The three evenly matched opponents circled each other, waiting for an opening. Ripley lunged at Staanz, her fist penetrating her chest. She ripped out her heart and crushed it in her hands. A communal "HOLY SHIT!!!" resounds from the crowd. The two remaining females pounced, Trinity yet again in slow motion. But Ripley was not. She flew, full forced, like a train on a head on collision, and pounded into Trinity. Both women fell into the mud in a heap and rolled around. Every female rolled her eyes as the guys hooted and hollered. Ripley wrapped her hands around Trinity's neck and bashed her head against the floor, knocking her unconscious. Ripley stood up. The Alien projectile protruded from Ripley's mouth and bit off her head. Bruce hunched over then looked at John, who was sitting at his right. "Well, not quite what I was expecting."  
  
(Author's Note: Sorry but we had to take a shot at Alien Resurrection.)  
  
"GOD DAMN IT!!!" Diene cursed and screamed. "WHAT IS WITH YOU FRELLING PEOPLE AND KILLING THE EXACT PEOPLE I TELL YOU NOT TO KILL!!!! How the hell am I supposed to afford GUEST STARS next time?! Son of a ..." The crew watched Diene control her breathing, look up, and slowly calm down. When composed she returned her eyes to the crew to see them all staring at her. "What?! Forget it. I'm done. I can't take this anymore. Go home. It's over."  
  
"But, Diene," John interrupted. "You said me and Aeryn...can well later...and,"  
  
"Not this time, this just went waaaayyy to far." Diene stated, impatiently. "You'll have to wait till the next one." She looked at them. They stared back unsure of what to do next. "It's over damn it. There's nothing left. Go. Just friggin go."  
  
(Author's note: No seriously. It's over. Why are you still reading?)  
  
PART 3  
  
The End  
  
Author's Plea: Please review. Come on. Even hate mail...it's all good. Then at least I know you read it and took the time to answer me. For the love of God, throw me a frickin' bone here. I can do more, I can do less, I can do drama, romance, action, or mystery, something - anything...hell give me ideas man. I am totally open to...  
  
"Diene," Bob interrupts.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"You're doing it again."  
  
"Sorry." 


	2. Let's Get Frelled 2: And then there was....

READ THIS FIRST: IT'S PART OF THE STORY, AND IT'S FUNNY  
  
Dienecian@hotmail.com  
  
LET'S GET FRELLED : And then there was… ass.  
  
By: Diene, Iden, Ty, and Doug.  
  
Rating: R…Well, if you read the last one you know damn straight why.  
  
Disclaimer: I still don't own Farscape, the Characters, (cuz Jim Henson and USA networks got them), the English language, or this font, nor anything else in existence.  
  
Summery: I don't want to give it all away, but just as a tantalizing glimpse, it involves drugs, sex, three Taiwanese whores, the Nesquick bunny and YOUR MOM.  
  
Warnings: If I tell you the warnings, you probably won't read. So…be afraid. This is almost as "wrong" as is funny.  
  
Iden: I'm not scared.  
  
Diene: You will be… you wiiiiilllll beeee.  
  
Spoilers: Well Duh. Also see first one.  
  
Archiving: Ask me first.  
  
#######################################################################  
  
Iden, Diene, and Bob sat in their usual place on Tier 6. The cargo bay had been upgraded for comfort with a mini-fridge and a microwave. In the far corner, cans of Chef Boyardee and Easy-Mac stack high to the ceiling. Small gift wrapped boxes littered the floor at the center of the trio.  
  
The Moya crew strolled into the bay, rested and ready for another day of the unknown. Diene looked up, "Good. It's about time you got here."  
  
Chiana plopped herself down next to Iden. "What's with the boxes?"  
  
"Well, the abridged version is we're screwed from when you killed two thirds of all our guests last time," Iden began. "So we need some quick cash."  
  
A crooked grin stretched across Bob's face. "So we're jumping on the franchise band wagon with…merchandise!"  
  
"What?" John shook his head. "You're kidding, right? Please, tell me you're kidding."  
  
Diene clenched her teeth as her eyes met John's in an icy stare. "Does it look like we're kidding?"  
  
"Anyway," Iden continued. "We would like to show you the prototypes before they're released for sale. Ok?" The crew nodded. "Diene get the first box."  
  
Diene picked up a box and opened it. It was a stuffed John doll in the IASA flight suit. John grinned and pointed to the doll. "Cool. That's me. What does it do?"  
  
Bob smirked. "Well, it's a tickle-me-John doll." Diene squeezed the doll and Elmo's laughter filled the bay. "As you can see, we couldn't afford the real voice, so we just…well…cut and paste."  
  
Aeryn pushed forward and knelt in front of Diene and the box. "Where's mine?" Iden nudged a box toward Aeryn. She picked it up and opened it. It was a plain everyday G.I. Aeryn action doll. "So what does it do?"  
  
"Well, Nothing." Diene answered.  
  
Aeryn's eyes flared. "What do you mean NOTHING!?"  
  
Diene put her hands up like a robber would to an armed cop. "We…Well. It's not all bad. She has a … uhm… a fifty gun expansion kit." She held out another box to the Sebacean who ripped it from the writer's hands.  
  
"Yo, Iden." John interrupted, not wanting Aeryn to decapitate the writer. "There's a 'my side, your side' bumper sticker on your box."  
  
Diene nodded. "Yup. More merchandise. We also have 'Don't make me tongue you' and 'Obviously we hit something'."  
  
Diene picked up another box and pulled out a D'Argo action figure. "Oh man. You'll love this. Bob, stand over there." Bob walked to where Diene was pointing. She smiled and pushed a button on the doll's back. A tongue shot out and hit Bob at the throat. Bob dropped to the ground.  
  
D'Argo took the doll from Diene. "WOW!! How did it do that?" The Luxon asked, amazed.  
  
"We found it. That's why it is so much cooler than the rest." Iden explained before adding quietly. "Even though most of the materials were found at a toxic waste dump or New Jersey."  
  
"What was that?" D'Argo asked. Iden simply hummed nonchalantly and D'Argo was too intrigued with his doll to really care.  
  
Aeryn grabbed the doll from the Luxon, now holding one in each hand. "Why the HELL is his doll so much better than mine?" she said shaking the D'Argo figurine at Diene.  
  
"It's really not." Diene said, calmly. "I mean, the tongue is radioactive and prolonged exposure to it-" she pointed at Bob. "See exhibit A - is not good."  
  
Aeryn relaxed, well, at least a bit. "So D'Argo's has a weapon and mine…"  
  
"Has revealing yet militaristic clothing." Iden finished.  
  
"Check this out." Diene held up another box, interrupting this time before Aeryn could draw her weapon. "Chia-Zhaan." She pulled out the clay head. "See just add water. Oh, and you have to put a little meat in with the water so it doesn't attack you. We even were able to make everything blue and green and stuff. You know – Blue Blooming Bush, and all."  
  
"But we seem to have some problems with the Chiana doll." Diene continued. She held up the action figure Chiana doll. A leg fell off. "It would be a good idea, however the legs keep falling off. They must be too loose or something."  
  
BUH DUHN CH  
  
The crew looked to the back of the bay to see Tommy Chong sitting at a drum set.  
  
"What the…" John started  
  
Iden laughed. "It's nothing. That's just the rim shot guy."  
  
Tommy Chong nodded. "Yeah man." He raised a blunt to his mouth and inhaled. "It's all cool, man."  
  
"Ehhhhhhhemmmm."  
  
"Oh yeah." Diene realized. "Guest Stars."  
  
"Since we are so poor," Iden continued.  
  
"How poor are you?" Bob yelled.  
  
Bob is given a look then knocked out again by the D'Argo doll. Aeryn looked at the doll in her hand. "You know, on the other hand, this is really great."  
  
"Anyway," Iden continued. "We are so poor from yesterday's shenanigans that we can't afford, well, real people. So we have animation. I would like you to meet Vash the Stampede from the cult anime TRIGUN, Misty the Pokèman chick, Jessica Rabbit, and the surprise guest under the sheet."  
  
Vash stood and walked around his chair to stand in front of the crew. His blonde spiked hair and red leather trench coat wavered in an unknown wind. He positioned his right hand over his gun, as if ready for a draw. Tumbleweed rolled between the space separating him from the crew. John looked at the tumbleweed then back to Diene. "What the hell was that?"  
  
"Just settin' the mood." Diene said matter-of-factly.  
  
John put his hands on his hips. "That's nice. But where did it come from?"  
  
"Same place that did." Diene said pointing at a horse tied to a water trough.  
  
John simply shook his head in disbelief.  
  
"What are you doing?" D'Argo yelled. Vash did not move nor answer. "Answer me. Who are you?" No response.  
  
Diene stood up and pushed through the crew. "Yo, Vash." She whistled and waved her pen in the air as if to get his attention.  
  
Vash started then nodded his head. He pulled off his sunglasses and removed the earphones from his ear. A techno-pop music filled the bay. "Sorry guys. Couldn't hear you, I had this music playing so loud and all. What were you sayi..." He turned and saw Jessica Rabbit uncross her legs then cross. His tongue fell to the floor and his eyes became slits as little hearts popped around his head.  
  
"Oh no you don't." Diene bounded forward grabbing Vash by the collar before he could pounce. Vash reached for Jessica but with no success. Diene was already dragging him back. "Tie him up for now." She tossed him to Aeryn who quickly followed through. Diene snickered as Aeryn tied his hand behind his back then tied his ankles.  
  
The crew looked at Misty who was holding a red and white ball in her right hand. "What's that?" Chiana asked.  
  
"I'm Misty. And this is my pokèball." She threw the ball to the ground and a star like creature appeared. "See."  
  
A gunshot.  
  
The creature fell. Misty let out a cry and ran to her fallen friend. The crew turned to see Diene holding her Desert Eagle, the barrel smoking. "What?" She put the gun down and continued writing.  
  
(Author's note: For more pokèman killing and other funny stuff, see: http://machall.keenspace.com )  
  
"Diene, you shot the starfish?" Iden asked, disbelieving.  
  
"Reflexes." She answered.  
  
"But…but you shot the starfish." Iden said again.  
  
Diene looked to Iden. "Jeez man. What are you, the new representative for PETA?"  
  
"You realize we are going to be assassinated by about two billion screaming kids." Iden said, oddly calm.  
  
"Excuse me," Jessica said in that breathy voice so typically hers. "Your males need help lifting their jaws off the floor."  
  
John and D'Argo stood slightly hunched; their mouths open, gawking. Diene snickered to herself. "I knew John had been quiet a little too long." Chiana strolled to D'Argo and shut his mouth with her index finger. Aeryn, on the other hand, was… well… how should this be stated…peeved.  
  
John's view was obstructed when a familiar leather figure stood in his direct line of sight. He shut his mouth and straightened his posture, meeting her jealous eyes, then grinned. "Hey, Baby. Have I told you lately how amazingly beautiful you are?"  
  
"Smooth cover, John," Iden said sarcastically.  
  
"Whoa. Hang up. No bloodshed yet." Diene said before Aeryn could remove John's Adams apple. "And Jessica, stop instigating."  
  
Jessica stood and walked closer to the crew, her hips swaying rhythmically. "Well, I'm not bad. I'm just draw…"  
  
"Yeah Yeah. We know. Drawn that way." Iden nudged Diene. "Come on. Get to the sheet."  
  
Diene looked at the box. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm nudging you." The box said.  
  
"Oh. Stop that." Diene walked over to the sheet and pulled it off. A cartoon seven-foot green robot stood tall. "Everyone, this is John Dear." She said, standing on a chair to rest her elbow on its shoulder.  
  
"What is he supposed to be?" John asked.  
  
"Well since our budget is nil, we couldn't afford Optimus Prime or Megatron." Diene covered the robot's ears. "So we settled for a second rate transformer." She whispered  
  
"What does he do?" D'Argo asked.  
  
Diene patted John Dear's arm. "It's ok. Go ahead." She slowly backed away and stood next to Crichton.  
  
John cocked his head. "What's the hold up?" He whispered watching the robot grind the ball of his foot into the ground.  
  
"Just give him some time." Diene answered just as quietly. "He has a slight inferiority complex."  
  
Crichton looked back to Diene. "Wait. Did you just say a transformer has an inferiority complex?"  
  
Diene shrugged. "You can do it." She called.  
  
The robot morphed. After the cracking and grinding ceased, the animated transformation was complete.  
  
"Diene, you are insane aren't you." John said looking at the robots new form.  
  
"What?" She answered artlessly. "So he's a lawn mower."  
  
"That's right." John Dear said. "I am a stupid, run of the mill, piece of crap lawn mower."  
  
"Oh, but not just any lawn mower." Iden encouraged. "You're a GS75 17 horse power 54 inch deck walk behind mower."  
  
"What are you smoking?" Dear said. "In my robot form, there's more HP in my Pinkie."  
  
Diene walked towards the mower. "Don't sell yourself short – Aeryn grab Vash. He's inching towards Jessica again – You're a great Transformer." Aeryn walked to Vash's inching form, grabbed his collar and threw him back against the wall.  
  
"Yeah. Whatever." Dear said as he puttered off to a corner to sulk.  
  
"Can we pleeeeaaaase get a move on." Jool demanded. "Let's get this…" she mouthed the words but no sound. She tried to scream. Nothing. Diene snickered.  
  
"What'd you do?" Chiana asked.  
  
"Nothing. Nothing." Diene said, refusing to make eye contact.  
  
Rygel eyed the writer. "What do you mean? Not that I'm complaining that she can't…"  
  
"Hey, Fuzzy." Diene said. "Do you want laryngitis too?"  
  
Rygel shut his mouth and quickly moved his chair from the writer's sight. Diene elbowed John. "Hey. You wanna see somethin' funny?" John nodded. She positioned John and D'Argo so they stood completely blocking the box's view of any female. Diene sat on the box. "Oh My God!" she exaggerated. "Jessica, put your clothes back on."  
  
John snickered then followed suit. "Oh Damn, Sunshine. I never knew you could bend that way."  
  
"Hey Guys!" The box unsuccessfully tried to hop forward. "I can't see. What's going on?" Chiana giggled. Aeryn picked up a crate, slammed it to the ground then cried out. "Dude, guys. I can't see."  
  
Bob pushed past the crowd. "What are you talking about, Diene? There's no lesbian orgy."  
  
"BOB!!!!"  
  
Iden was still. Diene hopped off the box and laughed. Iden turned to face Diene. "You did not just do that." The box hopped closer as Diene chuckled. "GOD DAMN IT!!! BRIIIIICK!" Bob threw a brick to the box.  
  
Diene stepped back. "Whoa there, Iden. There's no need for..."  
  
THUMP  
  
The brick hit Diene between the eyes. She fell to the ground.  
  
Zhaan ran to Diene's side. "By the goddess, you have killed her." Aeryn grabbed Diene's other arm and helped Zhaan prop her against the wall. Blood trickled down her face from the newly forming bump on her forehead.  
  
D'Argo grabbed Vash's inching form once again and threw him into the wall.  
  
The box hopped towards Zhaan. "Nah. Don't worry about it. She'll be fine. She's been hit so many times; she'll be out of it in no time." Jool wiped the blood from her face while Aeryn and Jessica knelt at the writer's feet. John stood with D'Argo a few feet behind, getting a fantastic view of Jessica Rabbit. "Guys. Don't panic." Iden reassured. "We just need the notebook and we'll move along."  
  
Chiana, John, and D'Argo looked around where Diene fell. John walked over to the box. "Uhm, Iden. Problem. No book. No Bob."  
  
The box jumped around frantically. "No No NO NO NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Iden stopped right beside John. "Not Good. Not Good. Bob is…ahhhhh. This is not good."  
  
Aeryn stood up and walked towards John. "Look all we have to do is split up and…" She paused noticing John and D'Argo's eyes glaze over, tracing the curves of her body. She looked down at herself. "CRICHTON." She demanded. "What the frell is this?"  
  
John tilted his head to the left, his mouth slightly opened. "Oh God, Baby." He blinked then shook his head as if it would clear his thoughts. It didn't. "That's a thong bikini."  
  
Chiana stepped towards Aeryn looking at her own matching suit. "Isn't this swimming attire for your females, Crichton?"  
  
Aeryn shifted her weight. "Your females swim in this?"  
  
"Uh…that's not the point." Iden mumbled. John and D'Argo grunted in agreement. Vash made his feeble attempt at inching towards the two.  
  
Jessica stood, revealing her own new attire. "Well stop gawking and find that notebook."  
  
D'Argo's jaw dropped. John's eyes widened. "Oh damn, I haven't seen lingerie like that since…"  
  
Aeryn put her hands on her waist, and leaned into her hip. "Now if you would listen I have an idea. We need to split up and get this notebook back. Diene had Pilot put a tracking device on Bob in case of such an emergency. We…" Aeryn cocked an eyebrow at John. "Hey." No answer. "CRICHTON!!"  
  
"Oh sorry Baby. It's just…" John smiled and rubbed the back of his head. "Well, when you're standing like that."  
  
"Mmmm. I see." Aeryn walked until she was face to face with John, her body inches from his. His gaze slid down. "John, I'm up here." He quickly looked up into her eyes.  
  
"Huh? What?" John felt lightheaded and D'Argo was still in shock. Chiana ran to one of the crates and pulled out two long cloaks. She gave one to Jessica, and threw the other to Aeryn.  
  
Aeryn draped the cover over herself. "Ok so now we go and get the book, agreed?" No answer. "JOHN!"  
  
"Oh yeah…agreed." John sniffed and shook his head. He took one last glance over Aeryn's body, knowing exactly what was underneath despite the impeding cover, then looked to Zhaan. "How is she?"  
  
Zhaan looked up at John. "She has a concussion. It's not serious but I don't know how long she'll be out. Jool and I will stay here, you go after the book."  
  
"Right." John stopped as something hard hit him on the head. "What the…" He stretched out his hand. "Iden, why is it raining lemon drops and gum drops?"  
  
"Do I really have to answer that?" Iden responded.  
  
"Right. Bob." John turned to his group. Vash was yet again slowly inching towards Jessica. John grabbed the collar and threw him back again. "Ok. We go but stick together, ok?"  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
John walked out of the bay followed by the rest of the crew. "Yo, Pilot. We need to find Bob. Where is he?"  
  
"Moya's sensors indicate he is in the corridor with you." Pilot answered.  
  
Chiana shook her head. "No he's…" Bob whizzed by, wearing chaps and Cowboy boots, hooting and hollering riding a huge DRD while holding on with only his right hand. His other swung a brown leather Cowboy hat. "…not."  
  
John shook his head. "My God, he's riding Bumper DRD's, Rodeo style"  
  
D'Argo drew his Qualta blade. "I know how to stop him."  
  
Aeryn reached for her gun. No gun. "Where's…"  
  
John grinned. "Uh…there's really not a place for you to hold it."  
  
Aeryn growled and stomped down the hall in Bob's direction. Everyone snickered and followed Aeryn. They stopped just outside the galley.  
  
BANG!  
  
CRASH!  
  
The crew started. D'Argo stepped into the room. "John."  
  
"What?" Crichton answered.  
  
D'Argo sneered. "No, not you. John, the other green thing."  
  
The crew stepped inside to see the transformer digging around. "Oil. Damn it. I need oil."  
  
Misty laughed. "There's no oil in here, silly. This is the kitchen." The transformer turned.  
  
Crichton held back a laugh. "Uhm…Dear. Why you wearin' an apron?"  
  
The transformer put his hands on his waist and spoke with the thickest Italian accent. "I can't find any olive oil. I have the most fantastic recipe for Creamy Tortellini Chicken Primavera. It's Magnifique." He kissed his fingers then returned to his rummaging.  
  
Rygel hovered into the room. "Ah. This must be a delicacy. Maybe I can be of some assistance." Rygel hovered over toward one of the many cupboards.  
  
John rolled his eyes and exited followed by D'Argo and Aeryn. Chiana hesitated. "I think I'll help with the food preparation."  
  
D'Argo shrugged. "Ok. We're down to four people."  
  
"Four!" John shouted. "What do you mean four? Where's Jessica?"  
  
John's COM sprung to life. "Hey, John. It's Iden. Have you seen Vash?"  
  
"What do you mean 'Have I seen Vash'?" John yelled. "He's supposed to be with you."  
  
"Yeah, well. Oops." Iden said. "I have some more important things on my mind right now." The box hopped quickly down the corridor in which they were standing.  
  
"Iden, you…" D'Argo's voice trailed off as Iden never broke stride, or the closest thing a box could do to stride, and continued out of sight.  
  
John pursed her lips then cocked his head. "Iden, why are you running…" just then, 100 chickens charged down the hall after Iden. "…from an army of Rhode Island Chickens."  
  
"CHICKENS." The transformer ran into the hall and pointed down the corridor. "I need ten of those." He ran off after the hens.  
  
No one moved.  
  
Silence.  
  
…  
  
John shifted his weight. "Ok, verify. Everyone just saw a cardboard box being chased by chickens being chased by a 7 foot green robot in an apron, right?"  
  
Everyone nodded, their mouths gaping.  
  
John shrugged. "Ok. Just checking." He walked off in the other direction.  
  
The crew moved onto the twenty-third tier and into a cargo bay where Bob's signal was last traced. The crates and boxes were stacked high. The crew spread out and searched the bay. "Psst."  
  
John stopped and looked around. "What the…" John's eyes wandered over the crates.  
  
"Psst. Over here. John."  
  
Crichton walked towards one of the boxes. "Iden." He found the cardboard box huddled amongst many.  
  
"Shhhhh."  
  
"What are you doing?" John whispered.  
  
"Family Reunion." Iden said, sarcastically. "What the frell does it look like I'm doing? That frelling poultry. Are they in here?"  
  
John looked around. "Nobody here but us chickens." He jested then looked to Chong waiting for the rim shot to sound.  
  
"No way, man." Chong shook his head. "Even I have standards, man." With that Chong glanced back at the magazine of animal porn slung over one of the drums.  
  
The box shuddered then jumped to the ground. Nothing attacked. "Good. So have you found…"  
  
"CCCCLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK"  
  
Iden froze. The chickens ran out from their hiding places amid the crates. They had bandanas and camo beak paint. "Oh Shit. I've been spotted", the box said in his best British accent, a one way retreat was made for the door and he hopped down the hall. The chickens followed suit letting out war clucks.  
  
Yet again, shock overwhelmed the crew. The transformer stuck his head in the door. He was carrying an ax and a large bag. His salt and peppershaker accessory features stuck out of his chest. "Where'd they go?"  
  
John's mouth opened and shut repeatedly but in vain. "That way." Aeryn said, pointing down the halls.  
  
The crew reorganized and headed back down the corridor. "Pilot, any idea where Bob is now?" D'Argo asked. No answer. "Pilot."  
  
"My apologies, Ka D'Argo. It is just…" Pilot paused. "Commander, will you come to my den, quickly."  
  
"Of course, Pilot. We all will." John nodded to the rest of the crew and headed for Pilot's den.  
  
The crew approached the doors slowly. "Ahhhhh. God, NO!" they heard pilot cry.  
  
Startled, everyone drew their weapon. John nodded. "On three, ok?" he whispered. "One, Two, Three." They charged in.  
  
"My God."  
  
John skidded to a hault, the others bumping behind him. Iden was trapped against Pilot's panel, the chickens all surrounding him, holding wings, in blockade formation. "Ahhhh. Guys. HELP!!"  
  
"Cluck, cluck…cluck, scratch, scratch. Cluuuuuuck." And with that the leader chicken drew his wing across it's throat.  
  
"Oh shit, I know you just didn't mean that…" Iden pleaded.  
  
Misty jumped forward. "Don't worry, my pokèman will take care of this." She threw the ball onto the ground and out popped another star-like creature. "Attack!"  
  
The chickens turned. "CLLUUUUUCK!" The battle cry echoed through the bay. The chickens attacked. The pokèman had no defense, no chance, the organized chickens mauled it. Scratching, pecking, flapping. The pokèman retreated out of the bay followed closely by the chicken army.  
  
"NOOOOO!!!" Mysty screamed as she chased after them.  
  
Aeryn and D'Argo ran to the box. "Are you ok?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah. I guess so." Iden said. The box crumpled and contorted, then returned to its normal shape.  
  
"What the hezmanna was that?" D'Argo asked.  
  
"Stretching." Iden responded.  
  
John walked to Iden, "Hey, Box. How you …"  
  
Nine men dressed in blue and white striped outfits and wearing blue baseball caps walked into the den. A girl, about 12 years old, and wearing a long nightgown followed them. The group stood and stared at the crew for a few seconds. Then an upbeat song right out of the 40's resounded throughout the room; the new group danced.  
  
John shook his head, not believing the sight before him. He tapped his COM. "Hey, Bob. I know you can hear me. What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Diene staggered into the den, holding her head, closely followed by Zhaan and Jool. "Holy Shit guys, that smarts. Where's my book, man?" She leaned against the wall and looked up, the scene before her answering her own question.. "GOD DAMN IT, BOB! What the FRELL are you doing?" She stumbled forward towards the box and others. "It's supposed to be FRED ASTAIR and GINGER ROGERS. Not LINDA BLAIR and the L.A. DODGERS. You know, Bob. You are so frelling stupid. Iden and I should have sacrificed you to the gods when we had the chance you worthless piece of…"  
  
The lights flashed; the box, Diene, and some guy in jeans and a green long- sleeved shirt were floating outside of Moya in the vastness of space. "Dren." She finished.  
  
"Oh Shit." The box hovered, yes, hovered, towards the other two. "Hey, Ty."  
  
"Hey Iden." Ty said. "Hey Diene."  
  
"Hey Ty." Diene replied.  
  
(Ty's Sidenote: Hey Iden.)  
  
(Iden's Sidenote: Hey Ty.)  
  
(Ty's Sidenote: Hey Diene.)  
  
(Author's Sidenote: Hey Ty.)  
  
"So…"  
  
"We're in space." She inhaled. "And I can breathe." She rubbed her stomach and tensed. Then relaxed. "And I'm not imploding." She squeezed her eyes shut. "And I think I'm going to be sick." She swallowed hard. "AND I REMEMBER GETTING HIT WITH A BRICK!" She glared at Iden.  
  
The box inched back. "Uh, that was an accident. Yeah, that's it. But let by-gones be by-gones, right? We got bigger problems on our plate. Bob has the notebook."  
  
Diene shook her head. "Well that explains why we're breathing and living. I mean, you know Bob watches the sci-fi shows that don't obey physics."  
  
"Hey, wait a minute." Ty interrupted. "I'm just the fan service guy. What am I doing here?"  
  
Iden shrugged. "I've got an idea of how to get back to Moya." Diene glanced quizzically at the box. "Look, you have that spare pen, don't you?" Diene nodded. "Good. So just write on my box. I mean you're the writer. You should have the power to write anywhere you damn well please and it should work."  
  
Diene shrugged, unsure. "I guess so." She dug through her pockets "Let me just find my…"  
  
loud booming voice SPARE BLUE PEN  
  
"What the hell was that?" Ty asked  
  
"Oh. That's just this cool little box I found. See." She held a small black box out "You just talk into it and everything you say sounds…"  
  
"LIKE IT'S GOD TALKING." Diene smirked.  
  
"Hey, let me try." The box took the voice box. "I AM ALL POWERFUL AND ALL KNOWING FOR I AM JAKE HARBINGER OF 32 SOUTHWEST LANE IN CITRATE CAROLINA."  
  
"What?!" shouted Ty.  
  
"Well… I think he's all powerful and all knowing… last I checked anyway."  
  
Diene snatched the voice box back. "Gimme that."  
  
"Well you gotta write." Iden continued, not caring about the lack of pen. "So can I just hold it."  
  
"No." Diene continued to search but with no success. "Damn, no pen. I think I left it in the dictionary. It was holding the page for laryngitis."  
  
The three thought  
  
…  
  
…  
  
"I got it!" Iden yelled. "Ok. At our current rate of drift, we will pass near the sun and the gravity will slingshot us out and away. However, with my calculations, we will miss Moya by about one mile. Luckily, the moon will be in exact position so we can slingshot around that as well. Naturally taking in the variable of Moya doing continuous loop-the-loops, we shall land ten meters into the bay next to the green crate but directly in front of the yellow one." He reached for the God-box. "And I need that to finish the last part."  
  
Diene glared suspiciously then handed the box to Iden.  
  
"MUAH HA HA HA HA…"  
  
"Stop that." The writer snatched the God-box from Iden. "And how long do you suppose this will take?"  
  
"Well, according to my readings, forty three minutes and five seconds." Iden explained.  
  
"Wait a minute, readings?" Ty asked.  
  
"Yeah. From my tricorder." Iden said, gloating.  
  
Diene rubbed her forehead then looked around. "Or we could just grab the ledge of the docking bay. Bob only expelled us two feet from the ship."  
  
"Ooooooooooooooh. But I did all these calculations." Iden complained.  
  
"But…"  
  
"No No. Do you know how hard it was to quickly come up with those stats? I mean they had to be so precise it was…"  
  
"Ok. If we agree, will you stop BITCHING!" Ty said.  
  
Iden nodded.  
  
"Fine."  
  
*** 42 MINUTES AND FIFTY EIGHT SECONDS LATER ***  
  
Whoosh  
  
Vroom  
  
SWING AND …  
  
SPLAT!  
  
Iden landed safely in the bay as Diene and Ty hit the side of the ship. She shook off the second concussion and pulled herself into the docking bay, Ty close behind. "God damn it, Iden. Your calculations suck."  
  
"I'm sorry." Iden said. "The calculations were made for three cardboard boxes of equal sizes and weight."  
  
Diene growled and stood up. "That's the last time I ever follow through with one of your plans." Ty and Diene ran out of the bay and down the corridor followed by the box, hopping close at heel. They ran (yes, the box is running, well more like bounding) into the cargo bay that they had adopted as their home.  
  
The three looked around only to see John and D'Argo bound and gagged together in the middle of the floor. The box hopped forward. "Oh, Damn It."  
  
Ty pulled out his switchblade and cut the two loose. "Where are the others?"  
  
Another feminine scream  
  
D'Argo shrugged as he rubbed his reddened wrists. "I have no clue. But Bob is causing much more trouble then he's worth."  
  
"Oh, Man. He even took the farting Helium Rygel doll and the dress up paper doll Harvey." Iden said, inspecting the carnage of their once calmed cargo bay.  
  
The sounds of gunshots, a pulse blast.  
  
John grinned. "Well, I know where Aeryn is."  
  
"What about Vash and Jessica?" Iden inquired.  
  
Diene's eyes widened. "What do you mean Vash and Jessica?" Everyone exited the bay trying to escape Diene's prying. "Come on, guys. What's going on?"  
  
John stopped abruptly and turned to look at Diene. "To make a long story short, there are chickens, thong bikinis, and a ballroom competition. So let's stop it now, ok?"  
  
Diene stared blankly at the human as they continued down the hall.  
  
More pulse shots.  
  
The box hopped next to Diene. "It's really quite simple. You see he wrote Aeryn and Chiana to wear these thong bikinis. And damn were they hot. I mean you could see everything from their…"  
  
"No. Stop." Diene interrupted. "I don't even want to know." She shook her head as if to dispel the last statement from her memory. "Let's just pick up the pace." She jogged ahead towards the continuing screams.  
  
The others caught up just as Diene ran into a Cargo bay on Tier 13. She looked around as the scantily clad Zhaan and Jool were tied together, an erotically dressed Aeryn rooted and straining to reach the pulse rifle that was just out of reach, and Bob chasing a barely covered Chiana around the bay. "BOB!! YOU SON OF A BITCH! What the FRELL are you doing?"  
  
Bob stopped in mid run and looked at Diene. Chiana ran and hid behind Aeryn. Hell even a peacekeeper glued to the floor could put up a tough fight. (Hence, why she's rooted). "How…" He put his hand at his side where a revolver sat in a holster. Diene assumed the same position, ready to duel upon the first draw. They glared at each other. Sweat glistened on Diene's forehead. Bob's stare didn't falter.  
  
THWAK  
  
Bob fell to the floor, unconscious. Tommy Chong nodded holding the D'Argo doll. "Dude, man. This shit's the shit, man."  
  
Diene grabbed her book then sat down between Ty and the box. "Ok. Moving on." She cracked her knuckles and returned her attention to the page. "How long was I out?"  
  
The box inched away. "Oh…about nine pages."  
  
"WHAT?!" Diene's eyes widened. "OH GOD! There's so much to do." The entire crew gathered around awaiting instructions. "Ok. First, I gotta fix all this dren. HEY, GARY LARSON! COME GET YOUR CHICKENS."  
  
The writer of the Farside comics walked in, corralled his chickens then left. Diene nodded. "Good. And the dancers are blown out the air lock."  
  
VHOOSH  
  
"K. And finally the clothes." The crew lined in front of Diene. She tapped the pen on her chin. "I got it."  
  
She scribbled: The crew of Moya returns to their natural attire. The crew stood stark naked in front of Diene. "Hmmm. Not quite."  
  
She wrote again: The crew of Moya returns to the formal dress. The entire crew of Moya stood in front of Diene in ball gowns. "Nope. That's not it, former."  
  
She wrote: The crew of Moya is clothed in their usual clothes. The crew returned to their most common outfit. Diene nodded.  
  
Jool pointed towards the door. Zhaan nodded and looked towards the writer. "Diene, why is Iden leaving?"  
  
The box hopped to the door. "Damn people and their ridiculous frelling ideas. Plot? What plot? I'll give you plot. Son of a bitch." He mumbled then exited.  
  
"No time." Diene hastily responded. "He's leaving cuz he's fed up since there's no plot."  
  
"But doesn't the fact that he's leaving make plot?" John asked.  
  
"Well yeah." Diene said, continuing to write. "But you see there still is no plot, because the simple fact of him leaving does not necessarily make plot. So he's leaving. And when he leaves, plot goes with him."  
  
"But that's still plot." John said. "Iden leaving is the plot. You know we got to get it back."  
  
Ty shook his head, "No not really. That's why he's leaving."  
  
John rubbed his forehead then let his hand drop to his side. "So what you're saying is that since there's no plot, Iden left. And, in essence, that makes plot. But it's not, because the exact reason that Iden is leaving due to the lack of plot so in reality there is plot since Iden left because there is no plot which in turn creates plot but there really isn't since he left."  
  
Diene grinned. "Exactly."  
  
John nodded. "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"  
  
"Yeah that's great." Diene said. "Now where's that pokèman chick?"  
  
D'Argo shrugged. "We have no clue. The chickens set off after her star thing and we haven't seen her since."  
  
Bob stood up, glowing neon green. "That just proves that Chicken and Stars were never meant to be together."  
  
BUH DUHN CH  
  
THWAK  
  
Bob fell to the floor. Ty nodded, smiling, holding the D'Argo doll.  
  
Diene shrugged. "That's it. I mean my God, he just keeps getting up. For Cryin out loud can't he just stay down. How bloody thick is his head that he keeps popping up like that? It's unnatural, unhuman, unreal, ridiculous IT'S INSANE! How do I always get frelled over with people so damned stubborn those sons of…"  
  
"DIENE!" John yelled. "RANTING."  
  
Diene growled. "Ok. So Anyway. Zhaan and D'Argo are in command. Chiana is gathering weapons in the bay. Jool is with Pilot. And Rygel, get the hell out of the way. Now Aeryn you're dying in two scenes."  
  
"HEY!" Aeryn hollared. "Again!"  
  
"Well, yeah. But I have no time to explain."  
  
The scene flashed to Zhaan and D'Argo standing in Command looking at a large stack of papers. D'Argo flipped through the pages. "Frell. How much longer until we come back?"  
  
Zhaan rested a hand on the Luxons shoulder. "Do not fluster yourself. We will no doubt return soon."  
  
The scene flashed to Rygel stuffing his face in the galley. "Frelling yotzs. I'm never allowed in a scene. Nobody ever frelling lets me stay around. Well, yozt to all them."  
  
The scene flashed back to the bay. Aeryn waved her hands at the writer. "What the frell was that. You don't have to…"  
  
And with that Aeryn disappeared.  
  
John's jaw dropped. "Where…WHERE'S SHE, DIENE!"  
  
"Don't worry." She reassured. "Look, there's Aeryn on the clamshell. HEY VASH!" Vash squirmed across the floor just outside the door of the bay. "WHERE'S JESSICA?"  
  
He stopped in mid-squirm. "Uhm. I have no clue."  
  
"Oh, ok." Diene said as the three remaining turned their attention to the shell. Of course behind their backs, Vash continued inching past, pulling a large potato sack with some sort of large kicking object inside.  
  
(Ty note: And no, people, it is not kittens, maybe puppies, but not kittens.)  
  
Aeryn stood on a sandy desert with three suns. One thousand flying clawed reptilian creatures flew her way from the north which was all about pitch black. "DIENE!!!" She screamed.  
  
"Yeah. I know." Diene said calmly. "Don't worry about it. Just fight them off or find a place to hide before the suns finish setting."  
  
"WITH WHAT? HOW? WHERE?" she shouted back. "DON'T I AT LEAST GET A WEAPON."  
  
"Oh yeah." Diene realized and wrote. Aeryn held out her hand. And in her hand materialized…her own shoe. Aeryn looked down to see one bare foot digging into the sand and her other foot still booted.  
  
John stared at Diene. "You're not serious." However that smirk on Diene's face was all the answer he needed. He looked back at the screen to see the creatures swarming towards her as the last sun set.  
  
Diene choked back a laugh. "Don't worry. I'm not done, yet." She scribbled and in Aeryn's other hand materialized…a string of blinking Christmas lights.  
  
In the typical 'Blair Witch' style, a camera shot at an upwards angle. Aeryn looked into the lens, her choked up voice sounded, "I am so…" She glanced behind her then to the camera. "PISSED! What the FRELL is wrong with you guys? Are you yotzs nuts? And get this hunk of dren out of my face." She pushed the camera to the side, looking at the cameraman. "AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? What the frell is going on?" She looked back into the camera, rage etched into her features. "DIENE, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU."  
  
"Uh huh." Diene said. "That's enough of that." She wrote. "Let's try ten minute lapse on those lights."  
  
BLACKOUT  
  
"Oh my God!" The cameraman turned the camera on himself. The lens must have been equipped with night vision, because the clam shell still picked up a visual. "They're gnawing on her limbs. And now they're dislocating her hips."  
  
CRACK  
  
"Oooooooooo. That must be the most PAINFUL thing ever. She's still trying to hit them back with the shoe."  
  
RIP  
  
"Aghhhhhhhhh. That one hurt ME. Ok she's not moving. They're swarming. It's all over, folks. OH SHIT!! They're going after the boom operator. RUN, PHIL. RUN. Oh God! It's too late. They're pummeling Phil. Oh the carnage. Now they're tearing his shoulders from their sockets."  
  
POP  
  
"Owwwwwwwww. Come on, Phil. Pick up that arm and hit 'em. Holy crap. They're feeding on him now. NO!"  
  
SHREAD  
  
"HOLY SHIT! Those friggin' things are skinning Phil. Uh oh. They must be sick of his taste. They're turning on me. OH SHIT!!"  
  
POUNCE  
  
"Ahh GOD! No. NOT the spleen. ANYTHING BUT THE SPLEEN!"  
  
TEAR.  
  
"Oh Jesus. I had plans for that organ, plans I tell you, such wonderful plans. DAMN! OWWWWWWWWW! They're ripping my internal organs from me. Oh shit. Now they're…"  
  
SUCK  
  
"AHHHHHHHH. Now they're jamming straws, the twisty top kind, into me and drinking my blood. Holy Christ. Help me! HELP ME! SOMEBODY. THEY'RE MOVING ONTO MY KIDNEYS!"  
  
YOINK  
  
"Owwwwwwww. Damn I know I don't need both, but God! Shit! They're swarming again. GOD DAMN IT! STAY BACK! Ow…..oooo…..gaghhhhhhh. AHHHHHHHH"  
  
THUMP  
  
The cameraman spoke, weeping. "Oh the Humanity! They're hitting me with pool noodles. Ow. Ow. Stop that."  
  
CRUNCH  
  
"MY GOD! They ripping my ribs out one at a time and poking me with them, poking I tell you, poking!"  
  
CLIP  
  
"Oh no. Stop. GOD, HELP ME. They're clipping my nails too close to the pink."  
  
CLEAVE  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHH! THEY JUST CUT OFF MY…"  
  
CLICK  
  
Ty switched off the transmission. "Ok. That's enough of that." He walked back over to Diene. "By the way. Since when did we have a camera crew?"  
  
Diene glanced at Ty. "If CNN calls, I'm not here." She whispered.  
  
John mouth hung gaping. "Is she dead?"  
  
"I think that's a given, John." Ty answered.  
  
John fell to his knees. "You did it again, Diene." He shook his head, disbelieving the events that just unfolded before his eyes. "I can't believe you did it again."  
  
"Oh don't worry about it. It's fan service." Diene explained.  
  
"What? No its not." John said on the verge of tears.  
  
Ty nodded. "Sure it is. Look, fans want to see you and Aeryn together, right." John nodded. "So what better way to stimulate a relationship then tragedy? Hell, you two flourish under tragedy. You're about to die on a false earth, defining moment. You're on the verge of insanity, defining moment. She dies and returns, BIIIIIIIIG defining moment. Close call with Budong, even BIIIIIIIIIIGGER defining moment. Well that wasn't really you but it was still a John as opposed to the 'not him' John but that doesn't matter cuz it was still a J/A defining moment, see. Defining moments equal John and Aeryn relationship equals what fans want. Got it?"  
  
John's teary eyes met his. "NO!!"  
  
"Oh don't worry. She'll be back." Diene said. Her tone changed to something more demonic and sinister. "In your dreams to haunt you for all time, John Crichton." His eyes widened with fear. Diene laughed. "Just kidding, buddy."  
  
Misty walked into the bay carrying her injured pokèman almost crying. "It's dying. It's almost dead. Please, Diene, help it."  
  
Diene walked over to her and gently picked up the Pokèman and brought it back to her seat. She laid it on the floor and looked at John. She shrugged and pulled out her Desert Eagle. "Alright."  
  
"NO!" John yelled holding his hand out to block her aim. "What are you doing? She said help."  
  
Diene nodded. "Yeah, I am. Acupuncture."  
  
"You mean Bloodletting." Ty said.  
  
"Shhhhhhhh!" Diene ordered. She looked at John almost accepting his asking her not to shoot, then at Ty who was just nodding approvingly. "Sweet." She pulled the trigger. Well, a fifty caliber handgun is mighty powerful. Let's just say the starfish was…well, dispersed. "Oops. Those damned reflexes."  
  
D'Argo, Zhaan, and Chiana walked slowly in dragging a large heavy crate behind them. Diene ran to help the crew. "Good, it's about time." They brought the crate to the center of the room.  
  
John pointed at the crate. "What's that for?"  
  
Chiana shrugged. "I have no clue. It was marked 'Drag Me' so I did. I found it in the docking bay. Although I don't know what all these paper sticky things are on it."  
  
"Finally. It's here." Diene grinned as she walked towards the crate with a crowbar to open it. She approached and shoved the end under the lock to pry it open. The lock broke. "I have been waiting for this for over three years. And finally, I have it. This, my friends, contains the greatest things known to man. Inside are four light sabers, ten R2 units, about three score of battle droids, and a Yogurt."  
  
John cocked his head. "You mean the guy from Space balls?"  
  
Diene shook her head. "No I mean the Dannon strawberry kind." She said seriously.  
  
Just then the crate popped open. The transformer stood up holding a frying pan and a large meat cleaver. "NOW I'VE GOT YOU, SWINE CHICKEN." But when he noticed no chickens he lowered his weapons. "Damn It."  
  
Diene's mouth dropped. "My…my stuff. Where's my stuff?"  
  
The transformer climbed out of the crate. "Oh you mean that metal crap that was in here." He plopped to the ground. "I jettisoned that stuff when I decided this would be a great place to hide to hunt the chickens."  
  
Diene's shoulders slumped and her eyes narrowed. "You…you dispelled my…Oh you did not. You did not just do that." The Moya crew slowly inched away; perfectly aware of how extreme Diene could be at moments like this. Her fists turned white as she clenched. Trickles of blood slowly dripped from her hand, a sign of just how hard her nails were digging into her flesh. She quivered a moment then cracked her neck, slowly walked towards the door and out.  
  
A few minutes later, Diene walked back into the bay carrying a large paint bucket. She walked over to the transformer and glared at him. She then walked to a wall at the other end of the bay and painted a red circle. Inside she wrote: 'Place head here.'  
  
THWAK  
  
THWAK  
  
THWAK  
  
"Uh…." Chiana said. "Should we be worried?"  
  
"Just leave her alone." Ty said, flatly.  
  
Diene ceased the bashing, walked back to her notebook, and sat down continuing to write. "Stupid frelling rat bastard metal piece of…" she mumbled  
  
Aeryn slowly walked into the bay. She was battered and bruised. A bloody gash flowed red down her shoulder and arm. She stood as erect as possible, pushing the pain aside. John grinned and ran to her side. "Oh baby, you're alive." He breathed.  
  
(Doug side note: Come on, Diene. That's kinda weak. She just comes back?)  
  
(Author Side note: Shush!)  
  
Aeryn pushed back from him. "Yeah, but easy, John. I'm still in a great Deal of pain." She winced. Diene wrote something and her injuries disappeared one by one.  
  
John brushed her hair from her face and leaned in to kiss her as passionately and deeply as he could. She tensed then wrapped one arm around his neck and gently placed the other palm on his chest.  
  
"HEY!!!" Diene yelled. "I DIDN'T WRITE THAT!!"  
  
John quickly pulled back. "I DON'T CARE." Then before Aeryn could say a word, his mouth was against hers and his hands massaging her back and waist.  
  
She broke the kiss. John grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the bay towards the terrace.  
  
D'Argo walked towards Diene and crouched beside her. "Do you think you could do something to end this before they start offending my nose. They'll probably be all over the ship in a matter of microts."  
  
"Yeah, no prob." Diene scribbled and a switch materialized on the wall behind her. It was covered by glass and on the top was written: In case of no plot, throw switch.  
  
D'Argo broke the glass with his fist and threw the switch. Nothing. "Well. What's supposed to happen."  
  
Ty grinned. "Wait for it."  
  
A pile of sand fell from the ceiling and accumulated on the floor. An umbrella, lawn chair and cooler soon followed. Then, the box fell into the chair wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, a margarita shooter on top. "What the… Ah Shit!" The box rotated, then the front face crinkled down as he slouched further into the chair.  
  
"What are you doing?" Zhaan asked inquisitively.  
  
"I'm crossing my arms in an infuriated manner at you." Iden responded  
  
  
  
(Author's Note: Just to fulfill and earlier promise… hey, look! The Nesquick bunny, some Taiwanese whores, and YOUR MOM… playing Parcheesi!)  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
John and Aeryn stood on the terrace looking out into the stars. He stood behind, his arms around her, holding her gently against his chest. He buried his face in her hair then slowly turned her around to meet his eyes. He smiled. "God, Aeryn. This universe keeps frelling stuff over. I'm never sure when I'm going to lose you. But every time I look at you I …"  
  
THUMP THUMP THUMP.  
  
The two looked towards the door. "What was that?" Aeryn asked, confused.  
  
John shrugged. "Doesn't matter." He turned her head with his finger so he could see her again. "I lo…"  
  
BANG BANG BANG  
  
John looked to the door. "Ok that was really not right."  
  
Aeryn shrugged it off and pulled him in for a lingering kiss.  
  
BOOM BOOM BOOM  
  
John broke the kiss and stared at Aeryn. Her eyes gave the answer he wanted. "Yeah. Ok." They both watched the door: waiting, wondering.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"  
  
Pause  
  
Silence  
  
…  
  
Diene ran threw the door and between John and Aeryn, knocking the two to the floor. "Scuse Me. Sorry."  
  
She looked behind to see the box thumped close on her heels. "YOU BITCH! YOU BROUGHT ME BACK!" He ran in the path previously made between the two lovers.  
  
A radioactive glowing Bob banged in close behind holding his stick high in the air. "DAMN IT, IDEN. IT'S YOUR FAULT I LOST THE NOTEBOOK!"  
  
D'Argo boomed in next, His Qualta blade swinging at Bob, trying to dislodge his head. "YOU WERE CHASING CHIANA AND I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO!"  
  
Misty ran through and towards the left, attempting a head on collision with Diene. "YOU KILLED MY POKÈMAN!" She cornered Diene who was temporarily trapped between two approaching beings.  
  
Diene cut left quickly to avoid both grasps. "Only one. And I merely put the other…" she dove behind a crate away from a swinging stick. "out of commission."  
  
John scooted closer to Aeryn and stood up, helping her to stand. They both backed into a panel, unable to escape the room without being caught in some sort of Crossfire.  
  
"MISTY!!!" Jool screamed as she ran in. "YOU WRECKED MY LAB TRYING TO HEAL THAT FRELLING CREATURE OF YOURS!" She took off after Misty but stopped short, hearing D'Argo yell his cause once again. "D'Argo," she said surprised. "You're backing her and not…" But her thoughts were cut short. After all, D'Argo will always be there. She had no clue how long Misty would. She resumed her chase of the animated culprit.  
  
Rygel hovered in. "BOB, YOU ATE ALL OF MY EMERGENCY FOODCUBES!"  
  
Then Zhaan. "JOOL, YOU LET THAT IDIOTIC GIRL HANDLE MY MEDICAL EQUIPMENT?"  
  
"IDEN," Chiana yelled running into the room. "IT'S YOUR FAULT I DON'T HAVE A BIGGER ROLE! IT'S YOU NOT COMING UP WITH STORIES INVOLVING ME!!"  
  
Then a DRD buzzed in. Pilot's picture came over the shell. "BOB, IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO TURN HALF OF MY PANEL INTO A BREWERY FOR SOMETHING CALLED CORONA'S, WASN'T IT." The DRD drew its laser and chased after Bob.  
  
(Iden's Note: It's a mad mad world is right.)  
  
"DIENE," Scorpius said while running in. "WHY AREN'T YOU AND IDEN WRITING ME IN" Everyone froze in their tracks at the sight of Scorpius. "What?"  
  
"What the frell are you doing here, Harv?" John asked.  
  
Scorpius shrugged. "I wanted some action. I haven't been in one of these stories in such a long time, I just had to come."  
  
The crew looked to Diene, almost as if for approval. She leaned over, her hands on her knees to catch her breath. She waved at them, immediately dismissing the unspoken question. "Yeah. Whatever." All pounced. "WAIT!!!" They froze again before making any contact. "We can finish the Survivor Series, or Royal Rumble, or whatever this is, later, ok? I only got four or so pages left and there's bound to be some things to wrap up."  
  
Everyone looked at Diene. D'Argo spoke first. "Uhm…No."  
  
Diene quickly ducked out of the way. Seemingly, the two lovers made a hasty exit during the freeze frame of commotion.  
  
* * *  
  
John and Aeryn sat together in the Farscape Module. It was tight, but nobody would disturb them here, at least they didn't think so and John sure didn't mind. They were in the middle of a passionate embrace when John broke away to catch his breath. "Damn Aeryn, you know I think Diene is right."  
  
"About what?" Aeryn asked slightly annoyed at his talking at such an inopportune moment.  
  
"About you and me." He continued, nibbling her right earlobe. "She said we always seem to…escalate after some sort of dramatic event."  
  
"So." Aeryn responded then kissed him lightly on the lips.  
  
John grinned. "Oh nothing. Just seeing if it bothered you in some way."  
  
Aeryn smiled wickedly. "I'll tell you what's bothering me. There is too much talking going on right now." And with that she kissed him hard and deep.  
  
CRASH!  
  
Aeryn started, breaking the kiss to see a figure standing on the hood of Farscape 1. She squinted to recognize the figure. The figure waved. "Hey guys. WOAH!" Diene rolled back and out of the way just as Misty pounced onto the Module.  
  
John exhaled, impatiently. He opened the hatch to his module and stood up. Chaos was on the loose with one big chase in full swing. "YO." John screamed. Everyone froze in mid-flight/fight. "Do you guys mind? I'm about to get laid here."  
  
Aeryn shook her head. "No, John. You weren't."  
  
John looked at Diene. "Come on. Can't you do something about this?"  
  
Diene shook her head. "Sorry, John. Can't do that. I won't write smut, excess sap, or mush."  
  
"But…but…"  
  
"Nope won't do it. Sorry but it just …"  
  
"Hello." The crew turned to see Ty standing in the door. "For those of you who don't know, I'm Ty. And the fans have hired me to insure the end of this incessant mind-fuck that you insist on writing." He pointed at Diene. "There are certain things they want and I am her to see that they get it."  
  
"Ah, Jesus." Diene threw her hands into the air. "What the hell now?"  
  
Ty approached the crew. "Well, the fans want John and Aeryn to get it on."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Yeah, you know." Ty grinned and leaned against the module. "Rockin' the Kasbah, Hide and Sink, Cleaning the pipes, Lick it and split, Mountin' the elf, sheathing the sword, bumpin' ugly, doin' the nasty, wakin' the hamster…"  
  
"Wakin' the hamster." Iden said, flatly.  
  
"Yeah." Ty reiterated. "Wakin' the hamster, you know, kinda like arousin' the gerbil."  
  
"Hmmmmmm" Iden hopped towards a glass tank at another end of the bay. He tapped on the glass. A beige teddy-bear hamster popped its head up. "Like that."  
  
"Screw the hamster." Aeryn said with Ty snickering in the back. "What is this Kasbah and why am I rocking it?"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Misty screamed. "MY VIRGIN EARS!" And she dropped dead.  
  
"AERYN!" Diene yelled. "DAMN IT! You KILLED her! Why I oughta…" She wrote.  
  
"Diene." The box interrupted. "What did we say about killing Aeryn?"  
  
The writer slouched, looking to the floor. "Only once a story." She scribbled something and the giant pointed log, suspended behind and aimed at Aeryn's back disappeared.  
  
Ty snickered. "You know, that log kinda looked like a…"  
  
Diene shook her head violently. "No No NO. We are NOT getting into this."  
  
BUH DUHN CH  
  
"No Buh Duhn Ch!" Diene yelled.  
  
CH DUHN BUH  
  
Diene glowered at Chong, throwing a knife into his bass drum. She walked towards Ty and pulled the God box out of her pocket. "DAMN IT!" She tucked the box away.  
  
John grinned. "I really like this guy." He patted Ty on the back.  
  
"That's what I'm here for man." Ty said.  
  
SMACK  
  
Diene whacked Ty across the back of the head. "Now what?"  
  
"Yo Diene." Iden injected. "I'm just checking the reviews. We're cultured."  
  
Diene clenched her teeth. "Box, this has no relevance TO THE DISCUSSION."  
  
"Aww, Come on. We're cultured." Iden said. Diene glared at the box. "Fine." Iden continued. "I think Ty should have the choice. We haven't given any fan service this entire story and we should include some. Plus, since they like it, let's give 'em what they asked for."  
  
Diene reluctantly agreed, perfectly aware of the stupid grin now spreading across John's face.  
  
Ty smiled. "Ok. Here's how it goes. In a review, a fan asked for a character named Fred. And I will incorporate that into the ending. Everyone, I would like you to meet Fred."  
  
In slithered a giant Dark purple glob of something. "WHAT THE FRELL IS THAT?" Chiana asked.  
  
"That, my friends, is Fred." Ty answered, amuzingly. "The Anime Tentacle Monster."  
  
Diene shook her head. "Ah Jeez, Ty." She pointed at Fred. "Did you really have to include that?"  
  
Ty nodded. "It wouldn't be anime without a tentacle monster."  
  
The crew scattered, ready to attack. The creature slinked forward and grabbed Chiana around the waist, lifting her into the air. Then Zhaan's leg, Jool's arm, and Aeryn around the chest.  
  
John leaned into his hip. "Uhm. Why is it only attacking the girls?"  
  
"Trust me." Ty answered. "You don't WANT it to attack you."  
  
-END-  
  
(Author's Inquiry: Ok. What'd you think of this one? And the answer is yes we do know that we are seriously pushing the line. But isn't that the point? Anyway, none of us can seem to agree on who the best added character is. We all agree it can't be Bob cuz its Bob. But Iden, Ty, or Me. Think about it, Ty is great for you guys and all but he's really not all that. And Iden, I mean he's in a box. But I'm the writer. I'm the one that has to develop and make some sense out of all this dren they're spitting at me.  
  
Iden: Diene, what are you doing?  
  
Diene: No seriously. I am posing legitimate questions. So who do you…  
  
Ty: Diene, stop that. Give me the pen.  
  
Diene: No, wait.  
  
Ty: Don't make me call Fred. {Ty snaps his fingers and a tentacle comes through the door.}  
  
Diene: No. Hey. DAMN IT! {The tentacle grabbed her ankle and started pulling her into the bay with the other female characters.} Wait no…Stop. Don't take my pen. FRED! You son of a bi…  
  
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Translation: Vote Fred )  
  
[So guys, I've been notified we need to include a life lesson or moral to the story, but I just can't think of anything. Suggestions?  
  
Don't mix tentacle monsters and lawn mowers?  
  
That's it, I give up.] 


	3. Let's Get Frelled 3: And God said it was...

Let's Get Frelled 3: And God Said 'It Was Ass'  
  
By:  
  
Diene, Iden, Ty, and Doug  
  
Dienecian@hotmail.com or  
  
The address for Hate Mail: guiltybydesign@excite.com (The Box)  
  
Warning: We cannot be held responsible if after you finish reading this and get in your car, a squirrel runs out in front of you shouting "Weeeeeeeeeeeeee" (Insert Three Hours of Description/Rambling) and then by the time you finish digging the hole, the vodka's kicked in and they're all out and you manage to make your escape. We are not responsible for that…at all…not one bit.  
  
Rating: G…X…XXXXXX (Author's Note: Iden, what are you doing?) (Box's response: Oh, you know…attracting the tops and bottoms of the rating pool.)  
  
Spoilers: Everything beyond and up to season 5. We're aware there's not actually a season five yet, however, we have an inside source. (Ty's whisper: Iden, stop poking the actual writer with a cattle prod. He's already unconscious.) (Box's [insert verbal response synonym]: But…its so much fun.)  
  
Summery: There's this chocolate…and tits everywhere. (Author's note: Iden, are you screwing with my spell check, again?) (Iden: Noooooooo.) (Author's note: Sorry, that's supposed to be "it's". [glares at Iden]) (Iden: Whaaaat?) Anyway… so this fic is like soft, sexy, smooth, seductive, succulent, stimulating, sensual, squirming, slippery, sliding, slamming, sticky, soothing, supernal chocolate. (Ty's note: Sweet Jesus, Di, you just gave all our readers the urge to look up porn! Alriiiiiight. FAN SERVICE!!!) (Iden: And that's some DAMN good choc-o-lattè) (Author: [moment of silence] That's it. Iden, go to your corner.) (Iden: [looking around author's room] There isn't a corner in here. It's all full - o - shit.) (Diene: [rummaging] [30 seconds later] There ok?) (Iden: [skulking towards the corner] I can't believe you moved your fridge and microwave just so I can stand in a corner.)  
  
Archiving: Just contact us first. Even if you don't want to archive…contact us anyway, damn it. Lonely…so very… lonely.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
The Moya crew walked into the Cargo bay on Tier 6. Doug was wheeling in crates of Mountain Dew…continuously and unending. Diene paced the room, frantically, waving a piece of paper in the air. "I can't believe we lost them." She sat down across from the box. "How did we lose guest stars?"  
  
"I don't know." Iden answered. "It wasn't our fault. It just happened."  
  
"That's your answer for everything isn't it. Stuff doesn't always, 'just happen'." She rebutted. Two opposite sides of the top of the box rose then fell. "And stop doing gestures I can never decipher."  
  
"What? That was shrugging, come on, that was obvious." he answered, innocently.  
  
Diene made a paper airplane and threw it to the box. "It doesn't matter. We were still fined. Damn unions. You know, I distinctly remember the contract only saying 'fine in case of death'. Nothing about loss or theft."  
  
"Theft?" John made his presence known.  
  
"Yeah." Iden said as John knelt down to pick up the airplane in front of the box and glided it across the room. "Apparently, Vash ran off with Jessica. The damned agency we got them from is charging us for the loss and theft."  
  
"And that's not all," Diene continued. She picked up another piece of paper, shaped oddly like a swan, and handed it to John. "We just settled a lawsuit from someone named Roger for emotional damages due to the kidnapping of his wife."  
  
Iden hopped forward. "The lawsuit drained us of all our cash. So now we can't afford to shell out the dough to the agency or have guest stars this time."  
  
"How did you manage to pay this Roger?" Aeryn inquired.  
  
"We scrounged some stuff up." Diene said, not making eye contact.  
  
Ty strolled into the bay. "Hey, Iden."  
  
"Hey, Ty" Iden said  
  
"Hey, John." Ty said  
  
"Hey, Ty." He answered.  
  
"Hey, Diene." Ty said  
  
"Hey, Ty." She answered  
  
"Hey, Aeryn." Ty said.  
  
"Hey, Ty." The Sebacean answered.  
  
"Hey, D'Argo." Ty said.  
  
"Hey. Ty." The Luxon said.  
  
"Hey, Eggplant." Ty said, sitting next to Diene.  
  
"Wait a minute." John interrupted. "Now I know Zhaan's a plant and we joke around calling her a vegetable and all, but that's just wrong. I mean…What the Frell!"  
  
Ty looked at John. "What…I…"  
  
John pointed at D'Argo. "No, not you. Forget what I just said. D'Argo, what are you doing?"  
  
In one hand, D'Argo held a purple Eggplant, shaped like Abraham Lincoln's head. The other wore an old sock with colored eyes. "They promised that if I played along I'd get something called 'Cheezy Puffs.' That sounds really cool."  
  
"No, D'Argo. Not puffs. Poofs." Iden corrected. "Cheezy Poofs."  
  
"Cheezy Poofs?" Ty asked, highly enthused.  
  
"Yup. Cheezy Poofs." Iden reassured.  
  
Diene and Ty looked at each other, excited. "CHEEZY POOFS!"  
  
D'Argo nodded. "Yeah. See? They make it sound cool."  
  
John put his hands on his hips and looked at Iden, shook his head then looked at Diene. "Ok. What did you do?"  
  
"Like I said," Diene explained. "We had to scrounge up the money somewhere."  
  
"So you sold our crew?" Aeryn stated, annoyed.  
  
"Not quite." Diene continued. "We simply…loaned their services for charity."  
  
Ty nodded. "Yeah. We're pimping them."  
  
"Shhhh!" Diene hit Ty across the back of the head. "No that's not it. That's not what we're doing. It's not pimping. There is nothing sexual involved." Diene nodded, attempting to reassure the crew. "At least we don't think there is." She mumbled to her colleagues.  
  
A corner of the box pointed to each new figure. "The Eggplant is Zhaan and the sock puppet is Rygel."  
  
John scanned what remained of the Moya crew. "Where's Jool?"  
  
"She was easy to replace." Iden said. "Check this out."  
  
Ty held up a small box. He opened it and out resounded a shrieking shrill.  
  
Diene grabbed the box and quickly duct tape it shut…over…and over…and over, until the once blue box was now gray. "It still holds the many uses of Jool." She placed it on her notebook. "Paper Weight." She got up and put it by the entrance to the bay. "Door Stop." The set flashed and everyone was standing on a 17th century wooden ship. She tied the Jool-box to a chain. "Sea Anchor or Mace. That one's up to you." She said letting the chain dangle. The set flashed back to the familiar Cargo bay.  
  
(Box Note: Hey, if we're putting Jool in chains don't you think we should of pimped her too? Hey Di… Di…you're twitching, oooooooh, you've got that look like you're going to hit me again. You are, aren't you?)  
  
John looked at the writer who was casually tossing the Jool box into the air and catching it. He blinked once. Twice. Thrice. Then looked at the box. "Ok, So where's Chiana?"  
  
"She's been with Pilot for the last few arns." Aeryn answered.  
  
D'Argo moved the Eggplant back and forth. "She has never spent that long of a time with Pilot before." He said mimicking Zhaan's voice. Everyone stared blankly at D'Argo. "What?" he said in his own voice. Pause. "It was part of the agreement." Still Silence. "STOP LOOKING AT ME! I WANT THOSE CHEEZY POOFS!"  
  
All continued their stare for a moment. Aeryn glanced at the writer, noticing her avoidance of eye contact. "What have you done now?" She said in a tone one would use to speak to a child.  
  
Diene stared at her book, concentrating on her writing. "Nothing…Nothing. I'm just paying attention to the writing. I don't like to fall behind in the scenes." She looked up at the Sebacean. "Why don't you go see if Chiana is ok?" Her eyes flittered light and innocently.  
  
Aeryn looked at Diene, unsure, then grunted and left the bay.  
  
Ty shook his head. "Diene, it's wrong to deceive like that."  
  
"I'm not deceiving." she said. "I really wanted someone to check on Chiana. I'm worried about her being in their so long."  
  
John looked at Diene, confused. "What are you talking about? Why are you concerned? What's in there?"  
  
The box shifted nervously. "Well, you know that money thing. Yeah, well, Pilot is not exactly…uhm…Pilot."  
  
"What is this madness you speak of?" D'Argo said, imitating Zhaan.  
  
"I don't see why everyone is so concerned with that yotz of a trelk." D'Argo said, imitating Rygel while the sock mouthed. "No one is ever that concerned about me." D'Argo is given a 'look'… by the eggplant. "What?" he said in his own voice.  
  
Everyone stared at D'Argo. Diene stood up and walked towards the Luxon. "D'Argo, Where'd you get that?" She pointed at a plain golden ring on D'Argos hand that held the eggplant.  
  
D'Argo looked down at his hand then back at the writer. "Oh that. Some creepy man in a long black cloak was in command. I asked him who he was and he swung a sword at me. So I killed him."  
  
"You killed him?" D'Argo asked imitating Zhaan.  
  
D'Argo nodded and looked at the eggplant, which was now facing his general direction. "Yes, I did."  
  
"Well that is completely uncalled for, D'Argo." He said imitating Zhaan.  
  
D'Argo scowled at the eggplant. "No it wasn't. He was an intruder on the ship and he attacked me. So all I did was protect us and the ship."  
  
The eggplant twirled left then right. "No it is not. How can you say such a preposterous thing?" The eggplant then turned it's back on D'Argo.  
  
"Don't you turn your back to me!" D'Argo called out and the rest of the crew tuned them out.  
  
Diene violently shook her head and sat back down next to the box. "No. No. This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening!"  
  
"Which part?" Iden asked. "The ring that D'Argo has or the fact that he's arguing morals with an eggplant that he's controlling."  
  
Aeryn stormed back into the bay, drawing complete attention. Her pants hung tattered at the ankles, ripped and stringed. Her vest hung off one shoulder, her sports bra torn down the middle, connected by only random strands. Her eyes met the crew, a fire of rage and anger. She then held up a black tentacle. Every male cringed and doubled over, covering their groins. "Diene." She grumbled through clenched teeth.  
  
Diene looked at Aeryn slightly intimidated but still confident. "Ok, Aeryn. Calm down. Yes, I knew Fred was in there in Pilot's place. But that's why I was worried about Chiana. And I knew you would be the best for the job to go in and investigate. After all you are the toughest most bad ass chick this side of the territories and all." She smiled at the Sebacean. "I mean, you can take care of yourself, as we can all see. I knew you'd be fine."  
  
The box nudged Diene. "Good bullshitting." He whispered  
  
"Shut up." The writer said out of the corner of her mouth.  
  
Aeryn growled and threw the tentacle to the ground.  
  
Ty smiled. "Cool. So is Chiana ok?"  
  
Aeryn shook her head, wiping the sweat from her brow. "No. No one was in there except Fred and this note." She handed Diene a piece of paper. "But I can't read it."  
  
Diene took the paper and looked at it. She turned it sideways, upside down, right side up, backwards. "Jesus Christ, It's in Japanese." She paused and held the paper up to view it through light. "Well, I'm out. I can't read this." She gave the paper to the box.  
  
"What do you mean you can't?" Aeryn said.  
  
Diene looked at Aeryn and the rest of the Moya crew. "It's in frelling Japanese. Damn, I mean I'm not God. Grant it I am all powerful and all knowing, in this realm…so I guess in a way I am like a god in this sphere of influence…but I'm still not God in totality…anyway, Iden can read all those Asian languages. Ok, I'm done."  
  
Everyone looked silently at Diene for a moment, then to the box. The box sucked the paper in through its air holes. "Ok…no prob. I got this." Iden began. "It's a ransom note that pretty much says if we want to see the 'gray-skinned-one' ever again we must bring them what they want. They say we know what it is."  
  
"Of course we do." Said Ty. "That's easy. They want Aeryn."  
  
"Hey!" Aeryn screamed.  
  
"No, not Aeryn." The box clarified. "They want someone to meet them in the galley…but only one. More then one would mean death to the gray-skinned- one."  
  
Diene looked at each crewman. "Ok. So it's decided." Everyone nodded. Diene looked at her notebook then back up. "Ty goes." She pointed at the fan service guy.  
  
"What?!" Ty stood up, shock written all over his face. He pointed at the writer. "That's not fair."  
  
Diene grinned at Ty's exasperated expression. "So it's agreed. Ty goes." Everyone nodded.  
  
Ty held his hand up. "But…"  
  
"We are all proud of you, Ty." Iden interrupted. "This is a great undertaking you have chosen and we are all with you in spirit. May the Schwartz be with you and may good journey befall you."  
  
Ty stared at the box then Diene. The crew smiled. Each took turns patting him on the shoulder and scooted him out of the bay. The doors swished closed and Ty walked slowly down the hall. "What just…happened?"  
  
Iden looked at Diene. "Wow, that worked." Diene shrugged. "Well, we've got some time now until Ty gets back. Any ideas?"  
  
Diene pulled the remote from her back pocket. "We can watch some TV." She pointed at the clamshell and pushed the ON button.  
  
"Wait a minute." John sat down next to the writer. "We can watch TV? Since when."  
  
"We always could, John." Iden said, laughing. "You didn't know that?"  
  
John looked at the screen, then the box. "But…it's…earth…I…" He rubbed his eyes then dropped his hand. "…give up."  
  
Diene switched through the channels. "Hey. Look who it is."  
  
Iden hopped closer to the screen. "Oh yeah. That reminds me. CNN called but I told them you died." Diene gave the box a 'thumbs up'.  
  
The CNN camera guy was still whining. "Oh God…the humanity. They're making Trish Stratus and Stacy Keibler sit on my lap. Please stop the insanity."  
  
SLOP  
  
"No…please…not that…anything but that. They're feeding me French Cuisine. No please…no more Crème Brulèe. Now they're forcing me to eat it off of Stacy and Trish. CEASE THIS INCESSANT TORMENT."  
  
BUMP  
  
"Oh god no…no. PLEASE NO. Now they have six more hot women removing all my clothes and having their way with me! LEAVE ME BE, VOWL TEMPTRESS! IT'S INHUMAN DOWN HERE I TELL YOU!"  
  
CLICK  
  
Iden switched the channel manually. "God that is so depressing." He looked up at the new channel. "Hey. The Olympics."  
  
Diene raised her hand into the air. "WOO HOO! GO KENYA!" Everyone looked at Diene. "What? They have one entry. And nobody ever roots for Kenya."  
  
Everyone shrugged. "WOO HOO!" All screamed for Kenya to take the medal.  
  
"How does Kenya have a skier?" Iden pointed out. "It snows in Kenya?"  
  
John shrugged. "I don't know. There's gotta be a mountain somewhere."  
  
Diene nodded. "Yeah that would work except for the fact he's a cross country skier."  
  
"You know, we were going to take you to the Olympics on a road trip." Iden said. "But we were banned for offence against 32 nations."  
  
"How did that happen?" D'Argo asked as Zhaan. "You've only insulted three nations thus far."  
  
The Moya crew stared at D'Argo as Diene whistled and Iden hummed nonchalantly. "Iden, It's supposed to be a whistle." Diene said.  
  
Iden tried to whistle…unsuccessfully. Diene shook her head. "Ok forget that. Back to humming." Iden did so.  
  
John's eyes widened and he looked back at the screen. Iden turned to look as well. The box started to convulse and shake uncontrollably. "Why did they just call a Quesidilla an S-class? Can you fly it? Does it have superior MANUVERING CAPABILITIES? Can you…"  
  
"Oh my God. Quick." Diene commanded. "Change the channel before he blows a gasket."  
  
Everyone scrounged around for the remote, climbing over the other to find it. Aeryn picked it up and quickly changed the channel. She handed the remote back to Diene "See. It's ok, Iden." Diene said. "Look. Star Trek: Voyager."  
  
The box relaxed and looked up at the screen. "The Borg. Ok. I can handle the Borg."  
  
Diene grinned and went back to her writing. She heard the TV. "FIRE PHOTON TORPEDOES." The author's grin fell and she slowly looked up to see the box, who was yet again convulsing.  
  
"MagLights." The box said, shaking. "THEY'RE USING FLASHLIGHTS. Can't they just say 'Shine Bright Light'. It would be the same DAMN..."  
  
Diene turned the Clamshell off. "Ok, that's enough of that. We can't have the box having an aneurysm on us."  
  
BOW BOW BOW CHIKA WOW WOW  
  
Iden's seizures ceased as he and the rest of the crew scanned the room. "What the frell was that?"  
  
BOW BOW BOW CHIKA WOW WOW  
  
"I don't know, man." Chong said. "But this is a slow day for me so I'm going outside to smoke up. Anyone else wanna come?" No answer. "Alright then." And he left.  
  
"Uh Chong." Diene called. "You can't go out there, there's no atmos…"  
  
"Let him go." Iden interrupted. "He'll figure it out."  
  
BOW BOW BOW CHIKA WOW WOW  
  
BOW BOW BOW CHIKA WOW WOW  
  
BOW BOW BOW CHIKA WOW WOW  
  
Ty strolled into the bay wearing golden chains, his fingers adorned with rings. His colorful vest hung half open. Iden hopped closer to Ty. "Hey!" Ty looked. "I know you're going for the whole 80's pimp thing, but there are some problems. First of all, why? Where'd you get the money? And third, you mixed Decades."  
  
Ty looked down at his feet, which wore the shoes with the large clear soles acting as goldfish bowls. "Yeah I know, but these things are just really cool."  
  
"Ty, where are the goldfish?" Diene asked.  
  
"Everybody does goldfish." Ty explained. "So I found these really cool white marbles." He held up his foot towards the writer.  
  
Diene glanced at the shoe then up at Ty's ridiculous grin. "Ty, your marbles are hatching."  
  
Iden hopped closer to look. "Ty, your marbles are black widow spider eggs."  
  
Ty looked down at his feet. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!" He ripped his shoes off his feet. "Get em off. Get em off." He banged the shoe continuously against the wall. "God…ahhhh…god."  
  
"NO TYYYYYYYYY." Diene screamed. "YOU'LL SET THEM …"  
  
POP  
  
"…loose." She finished.  
  
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH  
  
The spiders fell out of his shoe, hit the floor and scrambled. "OK GUYS." Iden hollered. "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T MOVE. STAY PERFECTLY STILL AND THEY WON'T ATTACK!"  
  
No one moved.  
  
…  
  
"AHHHHH!" The communal scream as everyone ran except Aeryn. She looked around then was swarmed by the thousands of spiders. The spiders covered her from head to toe. She thrashed and squashed but it was no use. The venom already entered her system. She lay motionless as the crew on the crates stared down at the tragic mess. The spiders clicked and clacked, scurried off her body then exited the bay.  
  
"AERYN!" John yelled as he jumped to the floor taking Aeryn's corpse in his arms. "No. Not again." He looked at the writer. "DO SOMETHING!"  
  
"Right." Diene nodded and looked at the box. "We're going to have to wish her back."  
  
"Yeah. We'll need the Dragon Balls." Ty answered, pulling two from his pocket. He looked at Diene who pulled her two from inside the dictionary.  
  
John looked at the writer surprised. "Wait…that's not real?"  
  
Diene laughed. "Of course it is. Nothing happened. You did not see me pull these out of the dictionary." And she left it at that.  
  
Iden hopped out from his cover. "I should have three." One popped out of the box…another…a tennis ball.  
  
"Iden, that's not a Dragon Ball." Diene said.  
  
"Oh yeah." Iden realized. "It was broken so I sent it off for repairs this morning. We'll have to wait till I get it back."  
  
6 MONTHS LATER  
  
BOOM  
  
The box hopped towards the docking bay as the door slid open. A dead horse with a man in uniform mounted, floated just outside the door. The docking web grabbed the package next to them and pulled it into the bay.  
  
5 HOURS AFTER THEY WISH HER BACK  
  
Diene patted the Sebacean on the back. "It's good to have you back."  
  
John stood protectively near Aeryn. (Author note: As if that would stop anything. Hehehe…I mean…nothing. Nothing at all.) "Why did it take so long?" he asked angered.  
  
The box glared at John. "Look I thought we explained this already. "In case you hadn't noticed, WE'RE POOR! I couldn't afford overnight mail or UPS. So I had to send it Pony Express."  
  
Ty smirked. "Sweet. So now that we're back on track. Nobody was in the galley. I don't know what they want or what the hell is going on." He sat down in a chair that materialized in the center of the room.  
  
"So in other words…we don't know where Chiana is and you're just going to sit there." D'Argo said.  
  
Ty smiled and nodded.  
  
Diene looked at Ty suspiciously. "Ty why is there a chair placed randomly at the center of the room?" She looked out towards the porthole as Chong floated by with a joint in his mouth. She pointed.  
  
"Don't even try." Iden said as he hopped towards the door. "This one's getting a little strange for me guys, I'm taking my paid leave…." And left.  
  
2 WEEKS LATER  
  
Iden snuck back into the bay, unseen. He hopped back to his original place and looked around. Just as he glanced at the door, Buffy the Vampire Slayer walked in and towards Ty. "Ok. I know I was gone for some time. But I know for damn sure we did NOT get a budget while I was gone."  
  
John nodded. "I can't believe we've been standing here for two weeks. No food, nothing. I mean…how did we do it?"  
  
Diene ignored John's comment. "He doesn't know its fake." She whispered to Iden.  
  
Ty snapped his fingers and Buffy's clothes changed instantly from her usual slayer attire to rather Exotic attire. She strolled to him and sat on his lap. Ty grinned evilly.  
  
"Ty, what ya doin?" Iden asked. The box noticed John and D'Argo at his left, their tongues half way down their chest.  
  
Diene snickered. "We really need to get those things stapled." John and D'Argo quickly tucked their tongues back into their mouths.  
  
"This…is fan service." Ty answered without taking his eyes off of Buffy's form.  
  
Diene shook her head. "No, Ty. This isn't fan service. This is Ty service."  
  
Ty whipped out a sticker and smacked it onto his chest. The sticker read: Hello, my name is… And in the space for a name Ty wrote: Insert name here. "There. Fan Service."  
  
"BULLSHIT!" Diene yelled.  
  
"Ha! Check my contract." Ty answered.  
  
Diene looked to Iden and out from a slot printed a copy of Ty's contract. "We'll see about this." She said. She skimmed the contract. Hours…Wages…Benefits…Buffy Clause. "What?! There's a 'Buffy added clause'." She read through the clause. "Holy shit. This is in his contract."  
  
John ripped the paper from Diene. "Let's see. This states that 'In order of agreement, Ty, in signing this contract, doest receive three lap dances from Buffy the vampire Slayer. No more…no less. Three shall be the number of the dances…and the number of the dances shall be…three. Four he shalt not have nor two, lest it will be proceeded by three. Five is right out…' Wait a minute." John looked at the paper, suspiciously. "Your contracts are the scripts of Monty Python routines cut and pasted with words changed."  
  
Iden hopped forward aggressively. "Yeah! You got a problem with that?"  
  
John shook his head. "Nope. No problems…nothing at all."  
  
Aeryn pointed at the box. "Iden, what in the hezmanna is that thing on your box?"  
  
"It's my Klondike bar." The box said, defensively. The aliens just looked at him confused. "Yeah you know those really cool chocolate covered Ice Cream Bars." No reaction. The box shifted, uncomfortably. "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" He sang the all too familiar jingle.  
  
"Please…Stop singing." Diene said. "I don't trust you." She turned on the clamshell and flipped through some channels…stopping on a Klondike commercial.  
  
The camera zoomed in on the box, which was standing on the street. "Sir...sir" The cameraman screamed. The box stopped. "Sir, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?" The box shrugged. The cameraman leaned down and whispered something towards the side of the Box. Iden turned and left.  
  
Diene glanced at the box, who was now unwrapping his Klondike Bar.  
  
More Flipping…  
  
NBC  
  
FOOD NETWORK  
  
PBS  
  
BBC…  
  
THIS JUST IN the announcer began THE BRITISH MONARCHY HAS JUST BEEN ASSASSINATED. ALL MEMBERS PRESUMED DEAD. THE CROWN JEWELS HAVE BEEN STOLEN. THE ONLY LEAD IS THIS PICTURE.  
  
Up flashed a picture of the box, one corner in the air, wearing the crown jewels and standing next to a palace guard.  
  
WE CAN'T BE SURE BUT WE BELIEVE THE GESTURE IS WHAT THE AMERICANS CALL A 'THUMBS UP'  
  
She switched off the channel. "Iden, what did you do during your… vacation?"  
  
"Oh… you know… touring… finding….Things… doing… things… why?" The box answered slowly.  
  
"Okay… so where did you get those?" Diene pointed at the crown jewels on the box as well.  
  
"I found them." He smugly answered.  
  
"Where?" she asked.  
  
"Oh they were just lying around."  
  
"SO YOU TOOK THEM! YOU KILLED THE BRITISH MONARCHY, TOOK THE CROWN JEWELS AND ALL FOR A KLONDIKE BAR!" Diene yelled.  
  
"No. No." Iden defended. "30 second rule. They were on the floor for 30 seconds. Nobody claimed them. So they're mine. As for them all dying while I was in the general vicinity after being asked what I would do for a Klondike bar… well that was just all coincidence."  
  
"Iden the 30 second rule applies to food…not PRIZED GEMS!" She shook her head then looked back at the box. A long moment of uncomfortable silence settled into the bay.  
  
"So…I see you have a Klondike bar?" she asked.  
  
The top of the box crushed then raised.  
  
"What the hell was that?" Aeryn asked.  
  
"Nodding." The box answered  
  
"Oh." The Sebacean said.  
  
Diene smiled. "So which Klondike did you choose? Original, Dark Chocolate, or Crispy Crunch?"  
  
"Well that was a tough one." Iden replied "But I had to go with Original. I mean it is Milk Chocolate. And milk chocolate is just the better."  
  
"I don't know about that." Diene argued. "I would presume Dark chocolate is better." She looked towards the other end of the bay at Doug…who was still wheeling in boxes of Dew. "What do you think, Doug?"  
  
A guy in a Pepsi shirt walked over to his friends and sat down. "I would have to say Crispy Crunch. Although I could understand both your arguments…but its Crispy…and Crunchy. Ty?"  
  
"Original!" Ty hollered back still engrossed in his second lap dance.  
  
"HA!" Iden jested. "See, Original. Everyone loves Milk Chocolate."  
  
Diene shook her head. "I still don't know. Dark Chocolate is soooo much more exotic. I mean it has that sharp, almost bitter taste, yet still sweet."  
  
Doug nodded. "True. But nothing is quite like the added texture of a crunch."  
  
"No way." Ty yelled back. "Old School, man. OOOOLD SCHOOOOOL."  
  
"HEY!" John interrupted. "You killed the British Monarchy for a Klondike Bar?"  
  
The four looked at John for a moment. Nothing…dead stares.  
  
"I can understand Crunchy." Diene continued looking back to Iden. "But sometimes Milk Chocolate is just so…plain."  
  
Iden nodded. "Yes, I do agree to an extent. But that bitter taste is sometimes undesired. Just too much chocolate, you know?"  
  
"Mmmm…yes." Doug agreed. "But you see, even though I argue for Crunchy, there is still something about Dark Chocolate. Crunchy Dark Chocolate…that would be something. And yet Crunchy Milk Chocolate is still something as well."  
  
"I do apologize for interrupting." D'Argo said as Zhaan, yet a darker, deeper tone. "But should we not be searching for Chiana? She has been gone for… some time now."  
  
The four looked over to see D'Argo slightly hunched over…his eyes holding a sinister glare. Iden hopped over to the Luxon. "Hey, you feelin' Ok?"  
  
D'Argo's stare met the box. "I am fine." D'Argo eyes never left the box. Never blinked…never moved.  
  
"Oooooook." The box slowly inched back, slightly intimidated. "That is just weird."  
  
All continued to stare at D'Argo. He made no reaction. Diene crept towards the box. "Is he dead?"  
  
"I don't know." Iden answered. He turned to John. "So…my fellow man…I ask you." He hopped forward. John looked at the box, intrigued. "Milk Chocolate, Dark Chocolate, or Crispy Crunchy?"  
  
John shook his head. "Why are you asking me? I'm still hung up on the fact that you killed the British Monarchy and none of you are concerned."  
  
THUMP  
  
THUMP  
  
SWISH  
  
CLICK CLICK CLICK  
  
Down from the ceiling dropped 24 black ninjas. They surrounded the crew.  
  
SHVING  
  
Each drew their sword and approached the crew. Aeryn ran forward, drawing her gun.  
  
"AERYN!" John yelled. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
FOOM  
  
A throwing star hit Aeryn, square in the chest and she fell to the ground…dead.  
  
"God Damn it!" Diene scribbled and Aeryn's corpse hovered into the air and away from the ninjas. She landed right behind the writer. More scribbling and Aeryn was bound and gagged, then revived. The Sebacean looked around, fought the restraints but to know avail. Diene nodded. "Good. Now stay out of trouble while we try to handle this."  
  
"Mmmm flll uhn a ees a kll oo!" Aeryn mumbled.  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Diene said. She looked to the others. "Jesus guys, what do we do?"  
  
The ninjas prepped for battle.  
  
The box hopped forward. "Don't worry. I can handle this. I know Ninjitsu."  
  
John tapped the top of the box. Iden turned. "Ninjitsu. I know I shouldn't ask, but where did you learn Ninjitsu?"  
  
"Correspondence Course." Iden answered.  
  
"Hang up." John said. "Correspondence Course? What do you mean 'Correspondence Course?' You learned…"  
  
"Well of course." Iden said matter-of-factly. "What do you think we do in Correspondence Course?"  
  
John looked directly at the box. The front face of the box stretched out and up. "I…I…Wipe that stupid grin off your face." He turned and walked the other way. "I knew I shouldn't have asked. I knew it. But nooooooooo. Curiosity always wins."  
  
The box turned and approached the armed Ninjas.  
  
(Author/Iden/Ty Combined Note: Trust us on this one. Download the song "Spybreak" by Propellerhead. It's the song from the Matrix when Neo and Trinity shoot up the basement of that federal building. It will make all the difference. Of course depending on the version you choose, you might need to listen to it on loop.)  
  
The box jumped into the air, the slow motion effects settling in. He flipped over the two ninjas in front of him as a corner lashed out and hit one at the side of the head. The ninja dropped and the box landed on the body. The cushion of the unconscious ninja bounced the box back into the air.  
  
With a spin, the bottom corner of the box hit three charging ninjas. They fell to the ground. The box retreated back and ran towards the wall. He jumped and pushed off, one corner flying directly at a ninjas forehead. The ninja ducked and kicked the box as he flew overhead. Iden whirled out of control and right into a group of four ninjas.  
  
The top of the box crinkled then shook back and forth. A corner rubbed the top face of the box. Iden started as five ninjas charged directly for him. He backed away, picked up one of the ninjas at his feet and threw it at the approaching group. The body flew horizontally, knocking the ninjas off balance. THUD. Four fell to the ground. The fifth jumped over the flying body and dove at the box.  
  
The box flattened as the ninja flew over him and hit the cargo bay wall. With a thump, the ninja hit the floor, unconscious. A pile of ninjas pounced onto the box. The box, still flattened, popped up and sent the ninjas flying. The two top corners stretched back …  
  
And from his corners flew six throwing stars. Each simultaneously hit a ninja in the chest, killing them. The seven remaining ninjas scattered, hoping to distract the box for another to attack. In a flash, the box crumpled down as energy and light emitted from around him. That instant the box tripled, and three Idens stood at the center.  
  
MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (inhales) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…  
  
"OK, Iden." Diene interrupted. "We get the point."  
  
"Oh. Right. Ninjas" The box turned his attention back to the intruders.  
  
BOOM  
  
"KHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHMMMMMAAAAAAAEEEE! "  
  
BANG  
  
SPAT  
  
WHACK  
  
THUMP  
  
CRACK  
  
Iden stood, reunited in front of a single remaining ninja. The ninja stared, awestruck by the events that just happened. The ninja acted 'un- ninja-like' and shuddered as the box approached. "Oh look at this. Lone Ninja. All alone. Poor, Lone Ninja. Should I give you some company, Lone Warrior. Who is all ALONE!?. You solitary lone…"  
  
"IDEN!" Diene yelled. "We get it. He's the last one. Now will you just Get on with it."  
  
"Fine." The box hopped forward. His corner protruded out and he … pulled the ninja's Pinkie.  
  
The Ninja laughed. "HA! You weakling. What do you think that was supposed to…" The ninja curled over onto the floor in pain.  
  
"Ut d oo oo" Aeryn mumbled.  
  
Iden snickered. "Technically…" he circled the ninja… "I have cut off the flow of blood…" Pause. "To his nuts."  
  
The males of the room cringed.  
  
"But… with his pinkie?" John's face twisted with pain he felt from the idea.  
  
"Well… yeah, I mean technically and all." Ty nudged the corpse. "The flow of blood to the entire body has stopped…and so technically no more blood in his nuts either."  
  
The eggplant nodded. "That is truly a most uncomfortable thing to do, Iden."  
  
The sock puppet hooted. "Right in the Mivocks. That's exactly where that yotz deserved it."  
  
Everyone, including the doubled-over Ninja looked at D'Argo. Stared. Then turned their attention back to the situation at hand. The ninja's eyes met the box. "I'll tell…" he fell over.  
  
Ty smirked. "Wow. I never knew you could kill someone by cutting off the flow of blood to their nuts."  
  
The box shrugged. "Well, now what?"  
  
Diene knelt beside Aeryn. "Are you going to be good?"  
  
Aeryn squinted as she glared at the writer. "U elling ees a en I ill oo. Frgin gnna eeht u aliii."  
  
Diene nodded. "I know that was a threat but I'll forgive you." She ripped the duct tape from the Sebaceans mouth.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOW" Aeryn screamed. "YOU FRELLING BITCH…I'LL KILL YOU."  
  
Diene replaced the Duct tape but continued untying. "Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Can you just wait till we fix everything." She threw the rope down and walked back to her notebook. "Although you'll probably have to wait in line."  
  
"You…You…but you're a box." John stuttered. "And…Ninjas…but…you and…them. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK. I mean…there were twenty four." He looked at Aeryn then D'Argo. "There were twenty four. How can…he…I mean…It's a BOX."  
  
"You done?" Iden asked.  
  
John bit his lip and nodded as he slid to the floor. He sat with his head in his hands as he mumbled. "Ninjas and a box and correspondence. Its…"  
  
Ty strolled back to his chair, where Buffy was waiting patiently. "Obviously these guys are the bad guys. They must have Chiana."  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Obvious." Iden said. "Not only have you stated the obvious, but you've stated that you are aware it is obvious. Here I thought Aeryn was the only person who did that."  
  
Aeryn glared dubiously at the box. "An eee uhs ein eeaana o I an ih a Ier."  
  
Diene looked around, innocently. "Jeez, There's no need for the hostility. So I tied you up and taped your mouth shut. But it was for your own good. Do you realize how many times you've died in the last eighteen pages?"  
  
Aeryn grumbled. "an eee us oov."  
  
"Right." The box said as he hopped towards the door. And he bumped into a guy in a blue jacket standing in the doorway.  
  
"Hi, everybody." The stranger said.  
  
Iden looked up at the stranger and tried to walk past him.  
  
THUMP  
  
The stranger would not move and Iden bumped right into him again. "That's it, this is for the last time Matt, no more will you haunt our doorways, standing in them and not letting people pass!" He hopped back towards Ty and Diene. "Public Execution!"  
  
Ty and Diene cheered. "WOO HOO!"  
  
John looked up, pulled out of his trance-like state. "What? Execution? Who?"  
  
A corner of the box pointed accusingly at the stranger in the door. "Him. For blocking the doorway."  
  
Ty pulled a mallet from his back pocket and hit the floor. "Guilty. The sentence is…" He grabbed the 'God Box' from Diene, "DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATH"  
  
The two top corners of the box tapped together rhythmically. "Excellent." He hopped towards Diene. "Ok. I'll need a tub of Mayonnaise, two spoons, some Duct tape, a hamster, which has just been awoken…"  
  
BUH DUHN CH  
  
Tommy Chong nodded. "Damn, man. It's about time one of you said something."  
  
Iden looked at Chong before finishing his requests. "That's not quite what I meant but…anyway. And the carburetor from a 1952 Cadillac."  
  
POOF  
  
And they appeared.  
  
D'Argo looked at the newly appeared objects. "And what do you expect to do with those?" His voice had darkened even more. He now had a black cloak draped over his shoulders.  
  
Iden inched further away from D'Argo. "Oh…you'll see."  
  
5 MINUTES LATER  
  
Matt's corpse lay on the floor.  
  
John' eyes were wide with disbelief. "You…you killed him…" he looked from the box to the corpse. "Successfully."  
  
Aeryn's reaction was the same. "I ant ee-eev oo id at."  
  
Iden shrugged. "Meh."  
  
Diene shook her pen, trying to get the last of the ink to the tip. "Ok. Now what were we doing?"  
  
Ty was getting his last lap dance. John was trying to pull the tape from Aeryn's mouth, unsuccessfully, and Iden was eating his Klondike bar.  
  
"Guys." The writer continued. "What now?"  
  
"I don't know." Iden hollered, ice cream running down the front face of the box and all over one corner. "Why don't you try a romantic interlude?"  
  
"Yeah." Ty agreed. "Fan Service."  
  
"Oh ok." Diene started writing.  
  
John raised his hands into the air. "WOO HOO! Finally." He looked at Aeryn. "Oh, Baby. Can you believe? She's finally going to give us a love sequence." He put his arm lovingly around Aeryn.  
  
Diene wrote: The eggplant gazed into the sock puppets eyes. D'Argo, now fully hooded…his face not visible, acted the scene. The eggplant seductively moved closer to the sock puppet. "You know," the eggplant began. "It's been a long time I have desired this."  
  
The sock puppet nodded. "I know, my darling. You have no idea how I have suffered not knowing how you've felt."  
  
John's mouth dropped. "Diene?" he looked towards the writer. "What the HELL is this?"  
  
Diene grinned. "Oh, come now, John. You didn't think I'd write you and Aeryn. Everyone does that. And let's face it, it's getting kinda old. And John, you've been with Chiana and Zhaan and PK Tech Girl for that matter." (This comment bringing a glare from the still gagged Aeryn) "And they've written Aeryn with Other men, Chiana/D'Argo, etc. The only thing I haven't seen is Aeryn/D'Argo. And frankly, the fans will most likely decapitate me for that one. And besides, have you ever seen an eggplant make sweet passionate love to a sock puppet while being controlled by an alien who thought he was a Nazgul?" John just looked at her, blinked a few times then shook his head. "I thought not."  
  
(Box's Note: … does it count that I have?)  
  
(Ty and Diene's Note: … no.)  
  
The sock puppet rested its heel against the eggplant. "Baby, I knew that we would make an excellent team. You do know I love you."  
  
The eggplant nodded. "I know. I love you too, stinky."  
  
The sock puppet, if it was possible moved closer to his new fauna lover. "You know, if we work together we can find it."  
  
"I know." The eggplant whispered. "But how do we find it without being suspicious. We can't let them know."  
  
The Sock puppet nodded. "I know. But we need to find the one ring."  
  
"Maybe we should just ask." The eggplant stated.  
  
John looked from Aeryn to Iden to D'Argo. "Hey, Big Guy. What you talking about?"  
  
D'Argo did not respond. He simply glanced up from under his hooded  
  
"Aaaahhhhgo" Aeryn mumbled.  
  
Nothing  
  
"D'Argo." John called.  
  
The cloaked figure shook his head. "There is no D'Argo. I am Nazgul."  
  
Diene looked up at D'Argo. "Hey, D'Argo…"  
  
"NAZGUL" he interrupted.  
  
"Yeah. Nazgul." Diene said, looking mockingly at the new caped crusader.  
  
BUH DUHN CH  
  
Diene then glared at Chong before continuing. "What are you talking about? The ring? You're not looking for the ring…right?" Silence. "Right?" she said a little more worried.  
  
The eggplant faced the crew, or what was left. "Where is the ring?"  
  
Everyone just stared.  
  
"THE RING!" the sock puppet screamed.  
  
Iden backed over to Diene and nudged her. "Yo. They're going to get violent in a sec."  
  
Diene smirked. "Don't worry. I got this."  
  
FLASH  
  
In front of 'Nazgul' appeared …  
  
…  
  
…  
  
Marilyn Monroe.  
  
The sock puppets jaw dropped; Marilyn posed the traditional 'Seven Year Itch' pose. Every other male's jaw soon followed. "Wha…What is going on here?" Marilyn breathed.  
  
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" the sock puppet cheered as he lunged at the actress.  
  
"Oh my Goodness." She said as she ran from the bounding sock. Once again, every male followed suit. And soon Marilyn ran from the bay followed by the sock puppet, who dragged 'Nazgul' and the eggplant, John, Iden, Doug, and Ty.  
  
Aeryn pointed out the door. "Ehhh r ey oing. Uh…uhd…ow…"  
  
Diene shook her head as she made her way to the door, Aeryn close behind. "You know…Somehow I knew Iden's plan to super glue the sock puppet and Eggplant to D'Argo, Oh sorry…'Nazgul', would back fire."  
  
The two females ran out the bay and immediately tripped over a corpse in the hall. Aeryn rubbed her head. "Ow on uh a it eec a en."  
  
"Yeah. I know." Diene agreed. She looked back and at their feet laid the body of a man. "What the…" Aeryn and she slowly rolled the body over. The body turned and the two looked at the face of a man in his late twenties with spike black hair. "DAMN!!!"  
  
"OO Ih at?" Aeryn asked.  
  
Diene slowly stood. "Shit." She nudged the body with her foot. "Some other author gave him to me in her story." She nudged again slightly harder. "Jeez, Dakki. She would give him to me." The author tapped him even harder. She pointed to the corpse. "What the hell did you do?" She stepped a few feet back. "Why do you damn people always get into trouble. What…do you like dying on me…making me pay more money? You know this stuff doesn't grow on a tree that I own." She glared at the body. "But still on a tree nonetheless." She looked at Aeryn. "An oak to be precise." She wound up and kicked the body as hard as she could. The corpse slid across the floor and the lower back jammed into a rib of the corridor. "I think he's dead."  
  
Aeryn nodded, sarcastically. "Oooo ink?"  
  
"I'm not sure," Diene reiterated. She looked at the Sebecean. "Maybe. But don't worry. I've got this REZ spell I've been dying to try."  
  
Aeryn stepped back as Diene began to chant. Slowly…rhythmically. The words rolled off her tongue with ease. Despite the translator microbes, the speech was too ancient and alien for any translation. The corpse twitched. The chant continued. Another twitch. She raised her hands into the air as her words became forceful, powered, and strong. The body twitched then sat up. The corpse threw its head back and let out a piercing shriek. Diene collapsed to the ground, tired and drained. The corpse fell back, unmoving. Aeryn ran towards the writer. Diene looked up at Aeryn. "Did it work?"  
  
Aeryn glanced up and the still prone body. A finger twitched. The body turned onto its stomach. Aeryn nodded. "I ink o."  
  
Diene slowly reached up to Aeryn's face…then quickly tore the Duct tape from her mouth. Aeryn screamed and Diene grinned. "Sorry. It was getting annoying and getting to be a bitch to write."  
  
Aeryn grumbled and walked over to the body to help him up. She knelt over him, picking him up by the shoulders. He leaned against her as he slowly stood up.  
  
"Ah…Darien." Diene said. "Glad to see you here. What are you doing? No…no…Darien. What the…"  
  
Darien faced Aeryn, bore his teeth and sank them into Aeryn's neck. Both fell to the ground as Darien chewed and gnawed on Aeryn's shoulder. His flesh slowly melted away leaving a mix of bone, muscle, and rot. His once untainted face now wore the holes of the Undead. His left eye fell out and rolled across the floor. His chin rotted away and his bone jaw was exposed. Diene ran her hands threw her hair. "Ah…man. Did you have to go and do that. I mean…the eye thing is so cliché." Darien continued to feed. His hair fell off in clumps. "What are you doing?" Darien looked up. "The softer flesh is in the limbs." Darien grinned a hideous grin, his jaw dislodging for a moment. He pushed it back into place and ripped the covering from her thigh…and delved in. He tried to lift her leg closer to him. But she was too heavy and his arm fell off from the weight. A final bite and Darien's feed was complete. He wavered to his feet and inched his way towards Diene.  
  
"Now, Darien. Why did you have to kill her?" she pointed at the Sebacean's bloody corpse. "I mean give the girl a break. She's already died…twice…today." Darien continued closer. "Don't make me do this." She pointed her Desert Eagle at Darien's head. He continued. "You leave me no choice." She aimed for his brain and fired. Darien froze then fell to the ground. "That's right, bitch."  
  
As Darien fell Iden hopped down the hall. "Hey, Diene. Have you seen Marilyn HOLY SHIT WHAT HAPPENED HERE … Monroe?"  
  
Diene shook her head. "Nah I haven't. Why?"  
  
Iden stopped. "I mean the bodies." John and Nazgul came up behind him. "What happened?"  
  
The author picked up Aeryn's corpse from the shoulders and dragged it towards the others. "Oh…you know. Just a little Undead killing. That's all."  
  
Ty strolled from the opposite way. "Oh man. And I missed it?"  
  
John looked at Aeryn's corpse. "GOD DAMN IT!!! DIENE! What the HELL happened. Aeryn's dead…again."  
  
Iden inched towards the body…and poked it. "Well thank you once again, people for stating the fucking obvious." Everyone looked to Diene, except Iden who continued poking the corpse and chuckling to himself. He then pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote: Aeryn's corpse, on the list.  
  
"Don't worry." Diene said confidently. "I got this covered. I'll try a different chant." Diene chanted again. The body twitched once, twice…then stopped.  
  
The chant ended and John walked over to Aeryn. She groaned and he helped her stand. Diene smiled as Iden continued to poke; John swatted the corner away. Iden backed away towards Diene and Ty. Aeryn leaned against John and looked up at him. "Uhhhhhhh." She looked at Diene then snarled.  
  
The three snickered. Iden pointed to the couple. "Look at that. It still screwed up."  
  
"I'm sorry." Diene apologized. "I thought this spell might work."  
  
Aeryn's face was pale, her eyes cloudy and white. She stood hunched as pieces of her flesh fell off her body. She inched towards Diene, dragging her left leg behind. As she neared the writers, she lunged. Nothing. She growled, "Brains…uhhhhhhh" She reached out to Ty, pulled him towards her. She opened her mouth and bit down on Ty's neck.  
  
"NO, AERYN!" John screamed. But 'Nazgul' held him back.  
  
She bit harder but with no reaction from Ty. Aeryn pulled away, confused. She bit down again. Nothing.  
  
Iden laughed. "Why can't she feed?."  
  
Diene waved her pen in the air. "That's easy. I'm not writing it in."  
  
Aeryn's eyes met the writers. "Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Brains. UUHHH!"  
  
(Iden's Note: Hey, Diene. Do you find it kind of Ironic that Aeryn's speaking in phonetics again, even though you said it was a bitch to do?  
  
Diene's Response: No. Not at all. Anyway…this is groaning. Completely different.  
  
Iden's sarcastic-fucking-response: Oh…suuuuuuure.)  
  
"Hang here." Diene said. "I'll be right back." She ran off.  
  
6 HOURS LATER  
  
"Diene." Iden screamed as he noticed the author running towards him. "Where the hell have you been?"  
  
Diene stopped at the group and crouched, catching her breath. "Let's just say it involves target shooting, Tic Tacs, and Popples. And I never want to speak of it again, 'espically of the popples. Oh Sweet Jesus the popples." She looked at Aeryn. "So…still undead, huh?"  
  
John glared at the writer as Aeryn grunted her disapproval. "We were able to end her craving for human flesh." John stated. Diene looked disbelievingly at him. John continued, glaring at Iden. "It was quite simple actually…although gruesome."  
  
Iden nodded. "Yeah. Although grant it, It's only on a daily basis."  
  
"What did you do?" Diene inquired.  
  
"Well…" Ty started.  
  
Iden interrupted. "We gave her…  
  
…  
  
Human flesh."  
  
"WHAT?!" Diene yelled. "You did what? It's only been six fucking hours!!!"  
  
"Exactly." Ty said. "We ended her cravings, even if it is only for a twenty four hour period." His eyes glanced to the box who was trying to make a sneaky exit. "Iden, where you going?"  
  
Iden quickly hopped away. "Nothing. Nowhere. Nothing. Been waiting for you to show up and baby sit them so I can take care of something…" And he disappeared around the bend.  
  
"Hey, Iden." Diene yelled after him as the group chased him. "Where you…no…wait."  
  
They turned the bend and ran into a large chamber room. Iden stood next to a large hole with something that surprised every member.  
  
"Holy crap!" John exclaimed. "Iden's got a chick." The crew grinned. "Yo, Box, Good for…why are you pushing the Chick Into THAT HOLE….IDEN!!!" The crew quickly ran towards Iden, except for Aeryn who slowly dragged her way.  
  
Iden faced the crew, startled at their appearance. "Oh! Hey, guys. I'm not doing much…just pushed some chick into a Tentacle pit."  
  
Diene put her head in her heads. "GOD DAMN IT!!! The Lawsuits, box. I mean. They're going to fly now. Why? Who this time? What the hell happened?"  
  
"Easy there," Iden said, calmly. "All she did was plagiarize some of our work. Nothing other than that."  
  
The tentacles threw the girl out of the pit and she skidded across the floor.  
  
Iden ducked as she flew over him. "Well, that was unexpected. I've never seen it reject someone."  
  
Ty poked the top of the box. "Hey, what chamber is this?"  
  
Iden dug a bottom corner into the floor. "Well, since Ty got a tentacle monster, I figured I should get a tentacle pit. But…well, I had to replace some of Moya's systems." The crew's eyes fired. "Oh but its not that bad. I mean we still have propulsion." The front face turned to look away from the crew. "Granted I replaced the Starburst chamber so our max speed is fifty miles an hour…but you know…it's a tentacle pit."  
  
Ty shook his head. "God, Iden."  
  
Diene nodded. "Yeah. So… you guys would not believe what I saw while I was gone. It is the most vicious creature you ever did see. Come quick. Chiana's with it. Oh, did I mention I found her? Anyway, you gotta come check this out!"  
  
The group ran towards one of the cargo bays on one of the lower levels. Aeryn lagged behind, groaning, and dragging her rotting body parts. They ran into the bay and hid behind the crates. Diene pointed ahead. "There."  
  
John peeked up to scan the room. In the corner he saw a large silver block with the figure of a female protruding from it. Bones and Body parts scattered the floor. And at the center sat a muffin. "Where? Behind the muffin?"  
  
Diene shook her head. "It is the Muffin."  
  
John looked at the writer and shook his head. Aeryn groaned and slowly made her way to the muffin  
  
Slowly closer…  
  
…  
  
closer  
  
…  
  
slowly  
  
…  
  
Inching at a grudging pace  
  
…  
  
Iden, fed up with the speed hopped out, picked up Aeryn and threw her towards the muffin. Aeryn hit the floor and skidded to a hault directly in front of the muffin. Like an honorable opponent, the muffin waited for Aeryn to get to her feet. She glared at Iden before facing the muffin.  
  
Diene inched closer to Iden. "Just watch."  
  
CHRICH  
  
(Ty's note: I can't even pronounce that one.  
  
Diene: Sorry…I ran out of 'Batman-esque verb Description thingies.)  
  
"SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!" Ty yelled. "It bit off her head."  
  
"AERYN!" John ran towards the fallen undead headless corpse. He lifted her into his arms. "My God." His eyes shot to the writer. "IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE. YOU FRELLING BITCH I OUTA…"  
  
"Easy, John." Diene said calmly. "Remember, we explained this. Fan Service. Plus all the other times weren't supposed to happen. This was the only intentional one."  
  
The group looked back at the muffin and John dragging Aeryn's body towards them. Iden smirked pointing to the muffin. "There's even a red bib at its base."  
  
Diene grinned. "So…any plans."  
  
"I have an idea," Nazgul said. "We have to get the Ring from him. Then you shall put it in my care…and I shall see that it shall not fall into evil hands."  
  
Ty cocked his head at 'Nazgul', "Uhm, D'Argo…"  
  
"NAZGUL!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah…Nazgul." Ty continued. "How do you know he has the 'Ring'?"  
  
Nazgul glared at Ty. "Because…that is my purpose. To find the Ring."  
  
Iden grinned. "So because its your cause the muffin must have it, right?"  
  
The crew snickered at the Nazgul's flawed logic. In response he drew his sword and pointed it at the box, the sock puppet mumbled with the sword's hilt in its mouth. Two corners of the box raised into the air, submissively. "Ok. Right. The muffin has the ring. Right."  
  
Nazgul grunted and sheathed his sword. "So It's agreed…we defeat the muffin for the ring."  
  
The eggplant spoke up. "You know, D'Argo. This might work but only if we solve this in a nonviolent manner. The muffin was simply frightened by Aeryn's attack. We should try to reason with it."  
  
"No. And my name is Nazgul." The cloaked creature stated. "There is no peace. Only war. We shall be victorious."  
  
"The big oaf is right." Agreed the sock puppet. "We have no choice. Nazgul is right. We must attack if we want the ring."  
  
"NO!" asserted the eggplant. "I will not condone the use of violence. There must be another way. And we will find it."  
  
"Stop arguing, you purple-assed bitch." The sock puppet countered. "You have been outvoted. The Nazgul and I will proceed without you."  
  
"Over my dead leaf." The eggplant hissed.  
  
"The sock puppet grinned. "So be it." The sock puppet pounced on the eggplant, the two engaging in a vicious battle.  
  
John looked up at the commotion before him. "What in the holy HELL are you doing D'Argo?"  
  
The Nazgul looked towards John, the two in his hands still battling. "RING WRAITH! And they are beyond my control…on every day but Tuesday." Just then the sock puppet enveloped the eggplant and ate it whole.  
  
John pointed at the sock puppet. "Now how did he manage that?"  
  
"Simple. It's not Tuesday."  
  
"No. No, It is Tuesday" Ty answered.  
  
"Oh."  
  
John crossed his arms over his chest. "Would you care to explain that then?"  
  
"…No."  
  
"Wait, Dude." Chong steeped forward. "It's Tuesday?"  
  
Ty continued to look suspiciously at D'Argo then glanced at Chong. "Yeah, It's Tuesday."  
  
Chong shook his head. "No way, man. Wow! Tuesday. I gotta…Wait. What month is it?"  
  
"It's April. Why?" answered Iden.  
  
Chong's eyes opened wide, "Really? Oh, man. I'm sooooooooo late for…wait, what year is it?"  
  
"Two thousand Two."  
  
"2002, huh? Daaaaamn. Christ…is he back yet?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Christ, is he back yet?"  
  
"Nooooooooooo." Iden answered, nervously.  
  
"Oh great, man." Chong nodded. "I haven't missed it. But I need a piss break. Somebody cover for me."  
  
Diene and Ty shrugged. Iden hopped forward and patted John on the shoulder. "You don't want to know. But I suppose we have to attack the muffin." He then strolled over to the drum set.  
  
"What the hell is that?" John asked.  
  
Iden crossed his corners. "Strolling. What? You've never seen a box stroll before? Where have you been?"  
  
"We have to free Chiana, too." Pointed out Ty, ignoring Iden's comment.  
  
"Where's Chiana?" Diene asked  
  
"Over there." A drumstick pointed at the Carbonite block that sat in the corner of the room.  
  
John glanced at Chiana's solid figure then to Iden. "You know…I was wondering when you were going to do a Star Wars reference."  
  
The three looked at John, confused. "What Star Wars reference?" one asked.  
  
"But…" John turned away and twitched. The three chuckled softly to themselves.  
  
"By the way," Diene interrupted. "Where's Doug?"  
  
Just then a female in a white dress ran past the door followed by Doug. "WAIT!! I LOVE YOU!!!"  
  
"I see." Diene said.  
  
"So the muffin." Iden brought everyone's attention back to the situation at hand.  
  
John nodded. "Yeah. That Damn Muffin!"  
  
"I have a plan." Iden said. "You all jump him. If John, Ty, and D'Argo…"  
  
"NAZGUL!!!!!"  
  
"Whatever. If the three of you jump the muffin, you should be able to over power it and defeat him. Then we can free Chiana."  
  
"What does Chiana have to contribute?" All looked at Chiana's Carbonite frozen form.  
  
Silence  
  
…  
  
Iden smirked. "See, she agrees with me."  
  
Ty nodded. "Right." He, John, and D'Argo circled the muffin getting ready to pounce.  
  
"On my mark," said John.  
  
Waiting…  
  
Waiting…  
  
Circling…  
  
"NOW!!" The three pounced. The muffin was covered; he couldn't move nor counter. Ty smirked. "We got him now."  
  
The muffin did nothing. Then a yellow field formed around the muffin. It grew and grew. A scream echoed throughout the bay. The smiles faded from the three who jumped the muffin. The light increased and in the next instance, the three were thrown off the muffin to leave imprints in the wall from their impact.  
  
Ty shook his head and slowly stood to his feet. His jaw dropped as he pointed at the muffin. "Holy Shit! He's gone super Saiyan."  
  
The muffin top streaked blonde and the yellow power field pulsated around the new formidable nemesis.  
  
Iden yelled "NEMESIS! Where?! My God, no. It's the end." Iden hopped to Ty and shook him violently. "It's Nemesis. Sweet Jesus. He's here. That's it. It's all over…"  
  
Diene shot a glare at Iden. "Geez, what's your problem? Stop freaking out. There's nothing to be concerned abou…"  
  
THUMP  
  
A large hand landed on Diene's shoulder. The fingers grasped hard as she heard a crunch. "STAAAAAAAARS." A low groan emanated from the thing behind her.  
  
Diene slowly turned her head to catch a glance behind at the undead villain. The rotting flesh fell off in pieces as the creature squeezed tighter. "This is one of those instances where I didn't want to use a synonym, right?" Diene slowly crossed out NEMISIS and wrote ENEMY. The undead villain disappeared.  
  
Ty slowly stood. "Ok guys, any idea how to beat a Super Saiyan Muffin."  
  
"That's easy." Iden said. "If we can't beat him physically, then we can beat him with our smarts." He looked around the room. "Ok, my smarts."  
  
"HEY!" Diene yelled. "I'm not exactly an idiot." She chewed her pen. "And is it just me or is this dialogue sounding like a really bad script from a B rated sci-fi film."  
  
All silently nodded. "I got it." Ty said. "The perfect challenge to our guest." He rhythmically tapped his fingers together. "We challenge him to…a game of…" The crew, excited, leaned forward to hear the final word. "Twister." He looked around, smirking. "Huh?…Huh?"  
  
Diene put her head in her hand as Iden groaned. "Ty."  
  
"What?" The dark haired man asked.  
  
"Woah woah." John interrupted. "This might actually work." He smiled at the crew and nodded.  
  
Diene realized what John was getting at and whispered it to Ty. Ty smirked and all three looked at Iden.  
  
The Box shifted, nervously. "Uhm…Guys. What is it?" He anxiously brushed the top corner of the box at his back. "Is there something crawling on me or something?"  
  
5 MINUTES LATER  
  
The Box and Muffin stood at opposite ends of the twister mat. Diene and Ty sat with the board in front of them. Ty spun the wheel. "Right Hand…Blue."  
  
The top right corner of the box stretched out and rested on the blue square. A crumb from the muffin landed on another blue spot.  
  
Diene spun. "Left Foot…Yellow."  
  
The bottom left corner of the box stretched out and rested on a yellow dot. Another muffin crumb landed on yellow as well.  
  
"Ty spun. "Wrapper…Green."  
  
"HEY!" Iden yelled. "That's not fair."  
  
Ty just shrugged. "Meh."  
  
3 DAYS LATER  
  
John paced the bay, frantic. "A Tie. How the hell was this match a tie? No wait…" he stopped in front of Ty. "How did it even get passed the first spin. I mean…" He pointed to the box. "He's a box and well, HE'S IN A FRELLING BOX!" He ran is hands through his hair. "AND IT'S A MUFFIN!"  
  
"Well…maybe we need a different plan." Ty said, nonchalantly.  
  
John nodded. "Ya think? Wile E. Coyote could come up with a better plan then that."  
  
"You used that already." Iden pointed out.  
  
"What?" John's eyes met the box.  
  
"That line. You've used that one already." Iden clarified.  
  
John grumbled and continued to pace.  
  
Iden hopped towards the three and Nazgul, leaving John to simmer. "Look, we can always Rochemboe him."  
  
The Nazgul cocked his head. "Rochemboe. It sounds like a worthy challenge. I wish to partake in this fight."  
  
Diene shook her head at the ring wraith. "Trust me, big guys. You do NOT want to be part of this tournament. That's why we nominate Ty."  
  
"WHAT?!" Ty stood, shocked. "No. No. I don't want to do this. Let D'Argo…"  
  
"NAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUULLLLLLLL!!!"  
  
Ty jumped back, shocked at the booming voice. "Yeah Nazgul. Whatever. Let him do it."  
  
The Black Rider nodded, enthusiastically. "Yes, let me take this fight. What is it that I have to do?"  
  
"It's a bit difficult." Iden explained. "You see, first you and the muffin stand face to face. Then one of you kicks the other in the nuts. And that goes back and forth until one person falls. So its quite a difficult task and if you really want to…"  
  
The Nazgul pointed to Ty. "He can do it."  
  
Ty's head dropped. "Oh." He looked at Iden. "Why is it that I always get suckered into these situations?"  
  
Diene grinned. "Because…you're Ty…and nobody else wants to do it."  
  
Ty held his hands up. "Now wait a sec. Can't we do this fairly. I mean come on. I have no defense attorney or something."  
  
"Ok." Iden agreed. "We'll do this on a simple system that has worked for ages and is fair to everybody." He looked at Ty. "Better?" Ty nodded. "Good, ok ready?" Iden looked at Diene and nodded.  
  
"Not me." Diene shouts. Everyone else choruses in except for a shocked Ty.  
  
"See? So it's decided fair and square." Iden said. "Ty goes."  
  
Ty pointed at Iden then Diene then back to Iden. "But…But…I…"  
  
Iden hopped towards Ty and patted his shoulders again. "Go ahead, buddy. We're here for you."  
  
Ty slowly walked towards the muffin and stood directly in front of it. He took a look at Iden and asked, "Can I at least get the first shot?" Iden nodded.  
  
Ty cocked an eyebrow then pointed at the muffin. "He's a muffin…it doesn't exactly have a set of nuts."  
  
"If you kick hard enough, you're bound to get something that resembles them." Iden yelled.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Diene asked, angered and glaring at the box in the typical way most females would. "Are you insinuating something, Iden?"  
  
The box shrugged. "What?" Try to argue…it's true. Men, Women, animals, muffins, whatever."  
  
Ty backed up a bit and charged the muffin, kicking it as hard as he could.  
  
At that moment, John looked at the crew. "Guys, I have the greatest idea for…" He saw Ty kick the muffin, which flew across the room and hit the wall. It bounced back and hit John square in the nuts at a great speed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!" John doubled over in pain, grabbing his groin.  
  
Ty and the Nazgul cringed. Even the box crunched up in the front out of sympathy. Iden shrugged. "Ok. Now the muffin gets a shot. Ty, line up."  
  
Ty squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth.  
  
John winced as well. His voice now raised about three octaves. "fuck fuck fuck fuck…oh Jesus…fuck that…fuck…fuck…"  
  
30 SECONDS LATER  
  
The crew floated out in space…an excellent view of the outer shell of Moya. Aeryn crossed her arms. "You people would manage to get us ejected from our own ship."  
  
John looked over at Aeryn, a slight smile forming on his face at the sight of her, however, his voice still in the higher range. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck…how…fuck fuck fuck…you…here…aaaaaaaaahhh!"  
  
Ty looked at John to answer. "She got bettah."  
  
John eyed Ty. "Fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh…what…fuh fuh fuh…'s with the … fuh fuh fuh fuh…accents?"  
  
"Well, nothing." Diene answered in her own British accent.  
  
Nazgul cocked his head. "Whatever happened to Bob?"  
  
Diene grinned. "Oh. The ninjas killed him."  
  
"Anyway," Iden interrupted. "Back to the Klondike bars."  
  
*** END ***  
  
(Author end note: We're conducting another poll. Sticking with the food theme of this story, the poll revolves just around that. We are wondering which of the following invasions will probably cause the overthrow of the Chinese Government: Sexy Seductive Succulent Chocolate…Pudding, or Kung Fu Hamsters wielding sausage Nunchucks.)  
  
Life Lesson: Remember, Muffins bounce.  
  
(Diene:[turning off light to go to bed] [scuffle scuffle] Iden…you still in here in the corner?)  
  
(Iden: Nooooooo.)  
  
(Diene: Get the HELL out!)  
  
(Iden: But you…)  
  
(Diene: OUT!!)  
  
(Iden: Oh…ok. Can I bring the camcorder out with me?)  
  
(Diene: Just get the fu…wait…cam…IDEN!!!! [door slams] GET BACK HERE!!) 


End file.
